Chapter 58 - The Stars Are Mighty Bright Tonight

Ben parks the car in front of ‘Soñador’ and I run inside to find my mom. She’s sitting on the sofa watching TV with my dad. She gets up from the sofa when I run toward her. She wraps me in her arms and I start crying again.

“One is dead mom. I had twins and one is dead.” I sob. My mom gasps and strokes my back. I cling to her and cry till I run out of tears.

I release my grip and step back a little. My mums’  cheeks are wet and my dad has red, teary eyes too.
I don’t have to look at Ben to know that he is crying too.

My dad is furious when I tell him that the doctor sent me home to await a spontaneous abortion. But there is nothing we can do about it. That’s the way things are.

I am still terrified to see what the baby looks like.

Erica offers to make dinner for us and we both gladly accept. I sit on the couch next to my dad. His arm firmly wrapped around me like only a dad can.
I look at Ben every now and then. It breaks my heart to see the sad look on his face, but I find it hard to comfort him while I am dealing with my own sorrows right now.

Two days pass by and nothing happens yet. No contractions. No blood loss. Only a broken heart.

A little movement in my belly makes me wake up from my thoughts. I rest my hand on my belly. “I should not forget about you.” I softly speak to the still living little one in my belly.

People give me lot of advice to make it easier. But things don’t get easier. It’s scary to carry a dead baby inside of me. But I am also sad and hurt.

Ben told his students that he is taking some time off to be here for me. I don’t want him to be around me all the time right now. I can’t handle the sad puppy dog eyes looking at me all the time.
I can’t make him realize it that I am not a fragile doll to be protected. I feel like I carry a ‘handle with care’ sign on my butt.

“I am going to take a hot bath.” I tell him. “Let me help you.” He says and I want to scream at him. But I don’t .

I let him follow me upstairs. He gets the bath ready while I undress myself. And that’s when I feel a wet substance between my legs.

I wipe my fingers across my thighs and look at my hand.

Blood.

This is it.

“Ben, it’s started.” I moan. A sharp pain shoots through my belly. “Call the doctor.” I manage to say before I hit the floor.

I use  everything in my power not to faint. Ben runs to the bedroom, grabs his phone and calls the doctor. She promises to come over right away.

Ben lifts my upper body a little and sits behind me to hold me tight while I try to handle the contractions. He calls Erica to tell her that it’s started and that she has to come right away.

The front door opens not even five minutes later and I hear voices.
Erica runs into the bathroom followed by the doctor.

I scream and cry. Ben is still holding me, pressing me against his chest.
I cry louder when I feel something slide out of me, something the size of a small ball. Ben gasps and the doctor kneels next to my legs. “There she is. A perfect little girl.” The doctor reaches between my legs and holds a tiny red thing in her hand.

It looks like a little person but not really a person at all. I think. My thoughts don’t make sense. I can’t stop staring at my little girl in the hand of the doctor.

My little girl that had no chance to live at all.

I rest my head back against Bens’ shoulder. Tears are running down my cheeks. Ben is crying too, a tear drops in my neck. I turn my head and rest my forehead against his cheek.

“I think you should give her a name. That might help you get through this.” The doctor tells me.

That’s something we haven’t spoken about yet. Names.

The first name that pops up in my mind is Amada. I have never heard the name before and I don’t know if it’s an actual name. But I like the sound of it.

I suggest it to Ben and he softly nods. “I like that.”

Little Amada. The girl that was not meant to be with us. I look at her one more time before the doctor carefully takes her away.

Five days have passed since Amada was born. We are buried her yesterday. They told me that’s not a standard procedure and they had never had someone ask before. But it’s something I need to do. Something that will help me get through this  immense pain. The doctor checked up on me and the other baby, still inside my belly, is doing good.

Better than I am doing right now. I don’t eat. I hardly take care of myself. All I am doing is sit on the couch staring outside.

I can’t be bothered to go to the daycare. Inéz is taking care of it anyway. I can’t be bothered to go outside. The only thing I want to do is sleep. Sleep and think of nothing.

The pain that I feel is too much right now.

Ben wanted to take more days off but I told him to go to work. I can’t have him around me right now.

I want to be alone with my pain.

My mum and dad leave Seville tomorrow and I don’t care. They are checking up on me every day and I am getting tired of it.

A knock on the door makes me look up and I sigh. Not again.

I paste a smile on my face and open the door for my parents. “Wow, that’s been a while.” I say. My parents don’t notice the sarcasm in my voice.

My mum hands me a  basket of oranges. ‘You need some vitamins.”  She says. I take the basket and take it to the kitchen. My mum buzzes around me and I finally break down. “MOM! Can you please stop. I want to be alone. Please leave!” I snap and she looks startled at me. “Lynn, I’m sorry. Why didn’t you just say so?” She asks and grabs her bag.
She hugs me quickly before taking my dad with her back to Soñador.

I lie down on the couch and curl up in a ball. Theo is keeping my company. The only company I want right now.

The little one is moving inside my belly and I place my hand on it.

There were two.

Now only one.

I hear the front door open and Ben shouts my name. “Here.” I say softly. I am not sure if he heard me. His peeks around the door and he smiles. He has one arm behind his back and I look curiously at him.

“I got you something.” He says.

I sit up straight and wait for him to walk over to me. He hands me a little box and I open it with trembling hands.

There is a silver bracelet with a silver plate on it in the box. I look and read the words. ‘Amada’ it says. “Look at the other side.” Ben says and I turn it over.
‘Our beloved angel. 06-28-2013’

Ben shows me his wrist to show me a slightly thicker silver bracelet. “I’ve got the same.” He says. “I don’t want the memory of Amada to fade away.” He leans in to kiss me.
“Amada means beloved.” I whisper and look up at Ben. “I know.” He replies simply. “That’s why I had it engraved like that.”

I reach up and pull him close. “Hold me please.” I cry.

Ben sits down next to me and pulls me onto his lap. I rest my head against his neck, wrapping my arms around him.

“I am about to break down Ben. I can’t take it anymore.” I cry uncontrollably. Bens’ hands stroke my back

Ben promises me that the hurt will fade someday.

“Please be strong, there is another little one inside your belly who needs you to take care of him or her.” He says.