Chapter 53 - Complicated

“You really have to talk to Ben about it. You are too quick in thinking before you even spoke about it.” Inéz says.
“But what if I don’t want the baby?” I reply.

“Why don’t you want to keep the baby?” She asks. I am silent for a moment.

This is a question I don’t have an answer to right now.

“You love kids.” Inéz says. “Of course I love kids! Why would I run a daycare if I didn’t? But I don’t know if I am ready to raise a kid myself.” I shrug.
“There is still Ben to help you.” Inéz tells me. I honestly don’t know what to do.

“I really need to go now. Promise me you will talk about it with Ben before you make any stupid decisions that you will regret later.” Inéz makes me promise it.

I hesitate to go back inside the house. I know I can’t keep secrets from Ben but maybe that’s for the best right now. I need to talk about it with him anyway.

I am pregnant for seven weeks. It’s nothing yet. Just a bit of cells.

Right?

I place my hand on my flat stomach. Nothing there.

I swallow the lump that’s in my throat and walk inside the house. I hear music coming from upstairs. Ben is playing the Spanish guitar and my knees buckle. I need to tell him.

But I can’t.

I wish my mum was here.

I walk into the living room and plop down on the couch. I grab the phone and dial a number.

“Hello?” A voice asks.

“Mom, it’s me.” My voice breaks and I start crying.

My mom is surprised to hear my voice and even more surprised when I tell her about what has happened in the past months.
I tell her that I missed her and dad so much and I apologize for my behavior.
She lets me know that everything is going alright and that they really missed me.
We talk for over an hour but then my mum really needs to go.

“I love you mum.” I say

“I love you too Lynn, thank you for taking the step to call. I am proud of you.” She replies.

Her words make me cry.

Ben walks in and sees me crying on the couch. “Are you okay?” He asks and I look up to him. “I just called my mum.” I say softly. “They don’t hate me.”

Ben plops down on the sofa and wraps his arms around me. “I am proud of you. What made you decide to call her after all?” He asks.

“I am pregnant and I needed her so bad.”

I drop the bomb and look at Ben. “I am pregnant and I don’t know what to do.” I repeat.

“Are you serious?” He asks.

“I am going to be a daddy.” He smiles.

“I don’t know what I need to do now Ben. I just don’t know. I don’t know if I am capable of raising a kid. I don’t know if I want it. And I am due at the end of November which means we can’t get married in October.” I know I am rambling but I still can’t think straight.

Ben places his hands on my cheeks and forces me to look at him. “We can do this. And you will be a lovely pregnant bride.” He assures me before kissing me softly.

“I am going to be a daddy.” He smiles. “I need to call my dad to tell him the great news.” Ben wants to jump up but I keep him down. “Don’t. Please, don’t. I am not sure if I want to keep it.”

Bens’ mouth falls open. “Why not? We can do this together. I promise.”

I shrug and shake my head. “I never thought about having kids.” I say.

That’s a lie. I spoke about it with Rick before. We were about to throw out the birth control pills.
Why am I this insecure now?

“I think I need some time.” I whisper. “Please, give me some time.”

Ben pulls me close. “I love you anyway. And I am sure you will do the right thing.” He whispers in my ear.
I lay my head down in Bens’ lap and stare in the distance.

Why can’t things just be easy.

“I am going to make a sandwich, you want one too?” I sit up straight and look at Ben. He nods and I walk to the kitchen.

I don’t feel like cooking. I don’t feel like doing anything at all.
I wonder if there is something like a pregnancy depression. I should ask the doctor next time I see her.

I get a few sandwiches ready and bring them back to the living room. Ben looks at me with pitiful eyes. I wish I could talk to Ben about my feelings. But I don’t even know what my feelings are.

I have always been good at hiding my feelings from everyone, including from myself.

I spend most of the weekend in the bathroom, throwing up. I feel really sick. Will it stay this way for the whole nine months?

Ben is very supportive of me, holding my trembling body when I throw up and he brings me glasses of water when I need it.

Two weeks pass by and I still don’t know the answer to the big question.

Will I keep the baby or not.

Ben isn’t pressuring me at all. He knows that if he forces me, I won’t be able to think about it.

I have no idea what to expect from a pregnancy. I know a lot of babies but nothing about pregnancies.
I snoop around the internet to find things that might help to make up my mind.

First I check about the morning sickness. That’s not helpful, it can last for weeks or be over soon. That’s different for everyone. I sigh and continue my search.

A picture of a 10 week old embryo pops up on my screen and I look at it.

This picture is an eye opener to me. There is a living creature growing inside my belly. A creature with tiny feet and miniature hands.
A little person with a right to live.

I rest my hand on my belly and an overwhelming feeling spreads through my body.

“I am going to take care of you my little one.” I whisper.

“BEN!” I shout.

“What?” He replies from behind me.

“I‘m going to keep the baby.” I smile. “Are you okay with that daddy?” I ask.
Ben runs up to me, lifts me up and twirls me around.
“Hell yes.” He laughs. “I knew you would make the right decision.” He puts me back on my feet and gives me a kiss.
I break away from his kiss and run to the bathroom.

To throw up.

Again.

I am becoming a mommy. And to be honest, I’m starting to like the sound of that.

Ben and I becoming a family.
Who would have thought