Chapter 62 - Shooting Star

I drive around in circles, not sure where to go. My phone rings but I refuse to answer.
Tears are running down my cheeks and I stomp on the gas.

Ben with a hangover. Erica who doesn’t want to see me.

I finally park the car on the side of the road and look at my phone to see who desperately wants to speak with me. Ten missed calls, all from Erica. I sigh and go to put the phone down when it rings again.

I hesitate for a moment, but answer it after all. “What?” I snap. “Lynn, don’t be mad. Please. I did not mean to send you away like that, but I had no choice. I promise that I will let you know why later. Give me another chance and come back.” She says in one breath.

I am still angry. “What did I do to you?” I grunt. I know that most of my anger is coming from the hormones.
She finally manages to convince me to come back. I start the car and slowly drive back to Soñador.

Erica is already waiting for me on the drive way and smiles. I park the car and Erica opens the door for me. I get out and she pulls me in a hug. “I did not mean to send you away Lynn. I really did not mean it that way.” She whispers in my ear.

I shrug and step back. “It felt that way.” I am still grumpy and cross my arms. “Come on inside. I need to show you something.”

Erica takes me by my arm and drags me with her. She opens the front door and we step into the living room.

Familiar faces are looking at me. My mouth falls open. “Lea? Sara?” What are you doing here?” I smile widely.

“We wanted to surprise you. But then you showed up here so Erica had to call us back.” Lea explains. “Woah girl, you are so big.” She smiles and points at my belly.
“Yeah, the little one is growing well.” I walk up to Lea and Sara and pull them into a big hug. The little one starts kicking. “I guess someone wants to say hi too.” I grab the hands of Sara and Lea and place them on my belly. “Do you feel this? It’s a little soccer player.” I laugh.

Both Lea and Sara are looking at me with a big smile. “You are going to be great mom.” Sara sighs.

Erica comes back into the room with a tea and sandwiches. We chat for hours. About our lives now. About Amada. About the upcoming wedding and about nothing in particular.
Time flies when you’re having fun. Our chat gets interrupted by my phone. “Ben’s calling.” I smile and pick up the phone. “Hi there gorgeous.” His deep voice sounds at the other end.
“Where are you?” He asks. “I am at Ericas” I reply. “I wanted to take you out for dinner tonight? Are you available for me?” He laughs. “Weren’t you supposed to go out with the guys?” I ask and he sighs softly at the other side. “I was, but they told me that you needed my attention more. And they are right about that.” He says.

I shrug. “If you don’t want to take me out, you don’t have to.” I assure him. “I am okay.”

“Lynn, will you please go out with me?” He begs and I have to give in. “I’ll meet you at the house at seven.” I say before hanging up.
“I guess I have to go.” I say and hug the girls. “Can we meet up tomorrow?” I ask. “Let’s go shopping tomorrow. We need to look good at your wedding too.” Sara says and I nod. “Sounds like a good idea to me.”

I leave the girls behind and drive back home. The scent of food greets me when I step inside the house. “Anyone here?” I ask.
There are so many people around that I have no idea who could be inside. “In the kitchen.” A female voice calls me. I step inside and see Joanne busy cooking. David sits at the kitchen table reading a newspaper.
“What are you doing?” I ask.

“What does it look like?” David replies and I chuckle. “Yeah, I know that. But Ben and I are going out for dinner tonight. So I hope you are not making anything for us.” I say.

“You are not going OUT to dinner. You and Ben need some quiet time together without any of his family of friends around. And no other people either. So I am cooking you a dinner and you will enjoy a quiet night at home, just the two of you.” She says and I laugh.
“I love how other people make plans for us.” I say.

“Think about it. How long has it been since Ben and you had a nice, relaxing evening at home, alone?”

I think for a moment and realize I can‘t remember when the last time was. “No, I was always too tired and went to bed, or I was sick. Or we were working to get the nursery ready. And we spent many weekends together with friends.

“How did you know?” I ask Joanne. “I talk to Ben every now and then.” She laughs. “Does he know about this?” I am full of questions. And Joanne smiles at me. “Yes, he knows. He is upstairs getting dressed. I told him to dress sophisticated. You need to put some romance back into your relationship.”

“Can I go?” I ask and Joanne nods. “We’ll be leaving as soon as dinner is done.” She assures me and I hug her. “Thank you so much for this Joanne.” I say and she strokes my back. “No problem.”

I try to sneak out of the kitchen. “Hey and what about me?” David asks and I turn around. He smiles and opens his arms. I walk back to hug him too. “Thank you too David.”

I rush upstairs to the bedroom but Ben is not there. “Ben?” I ask and step into the music room.
There he is, holding his guitar, waiting for me to come in.
The room is finally finished. The only light in the room comes from the fluorescent lamps on the black wall and it looks pretty.

Ben is wearing a suit and he looks even taller than he already is. He softly starts strumming his guitar.

I shiver when he starts singing with a soft voice.



 We’re two of a kind  on our own
I won't walk out, I won't leave you
All on your own
I won’t leave you be
No you’ll never walk alone


I sing about doing without
But I don’t know how
I’m tangled up inside your net
I can’t get out
Coughed up my life
I changed it all by loving you
Don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how
Don’t get me mushy now


A tear rolls down my cheek. “Thank you.” I whisper. How did you know that this is my favorite song?” I ask. “Your mom told me.” He smiles shyly. He runs his hand through his hair.
I have never seen him shy before.

I take the guitar away from him and stand on my toes so I can kiss him on his lips. “I love you so much Ben.” I whisper against his mouth.

“I love you too Lynn.” He replies and wraps his arms around me. We kiss for a while till my grumbling tummy breaks us apart. “I guess me and the little one are hungry.” I giggle and place my hand on my belly. Ben does the same. And the little one reacts immediately.
“It keeps kicking.” I giggle.

“Bye!” A voice sounds from downstairs and the front door slams. “I guess it’s just you and me now.” Ben says. A movement inside my tummy makes me aware. “And little one.” I smile.

Ben goes downstairs while I change my clothes. Since Ben is wearing his suit. I need to wear something appropriate too.
I shift through my dresses and go for a short black dress. It barely fits around my tummy but I manage to squeeze into it.

Bare feet and my hair flowing down my back.

I’m ready.

I go downstairs to find Ben. He’s busy in the kitchen, setting the table and getting everything ready.
There are two cocktail glasses on the counter filled with a red/orange substance. Ben hands one to me. “Cheers babe.” He says. I look at the glass. “But, this is alcohol.” I stammer.
“Nope. Will taught me to mix a ‘Safe Sex On The Beach’ cocktail for you.” He laughs and I snort. “Safe sex? Really?” I clink my glass against his‘. “Well, here’s to us then.” I laugh and take a sip of the cocktail.
It doesn’t taste like the original at all. But for now it will do. It’s the thought that counts.

We sit down at the kitchen table and see what Joanne made us. It’s a plate full of tapas.
I eat as if I haven’t ate anything for weeks. “It’s really good.” I say with my mouth full of olives. Ben chuckles. “Don’t talk with your mouth full.” He laughs.

“What do you want to do now?” Ben asks me and I reply immediately. “Sit outside in the hammock and just do nothing.”

Ben looks at me. “Nothing? You and me, both doing nothing? Are you sure we can do that?” He laughs and I nod. “At least for a while, we can always come back inside to watch a movie later.”
He gives in and he sits down in the hammock. I sit down between his legs and lean against him. We softly swing from left to right. My head rests against his chest, one hand on his leg the other on my belly.
Bens’ hand is resting softly on my belly his other hand is stroking Theo, who lies next to the hammock on the grass.

The little one is moving and kicking  every now and then.

It‘s completely quiet outside. Ben hums a soft song in my ear.

“Aren’t we supposed to talk?” I ask Ben. “I think so, but I like this better.” Ben replies and I laugh. “So do I.”

It’s getting dark and I look up at the sky. The stars are bright and the moon gives us all the light we need.
“Make a wish.” I say to Ben while pointing up to the dark sky. “There’s a shooting star.”

“I wish for you to be my wife.” He laughs.

“You are not supposed to tell your wish.” I nudge him. “But it’s true.” He pouts and we both laugh. “I guess your wish is coming true next week.”

*****************************
The song Ben is singing: Never alone by Racoon

Chapter Title:

(Technically the chapter is named after the new song of the Pink Fuzzy Animals. But that song is not on Youtube yet)

Chapter 61 - Back you up

They break away after a few more seconds and Inéz looks down at the table. Will rushes back to the door. “See you later ladies.” He bows his head and leaves.

“What was THAT?” I ask Inéz. She is blushing and shrugs. “It was like a lightning strike.” I giggle.
“I thought you said Ben Johnson was the cute one.” I am still giggling.

“I couldn’t see William properly.” She says with a soft voice. “He’s nice.”

I laugh. “Just nice?”

Inéz nods frantically. “Just nice.”

I let it rest. We have to finish our lunch so the toddlers can go to bed.

The kids have all been picked up by their parents and Inéz and I lock the door. “You want to stay for dinner?” I ask. Inéz shakes her head. “Rodrigo is waiting for me.” She says and leaves quickly. “See you Monday.” I yell. She raises her hand to wave at me but doesn’t look back.

The living room is quiet. Theo runs up to me when I step inside. “Hi sweetie.” I say and scratch him behind his ears. He licks my hand and wags his tail. “Want to go for a walk?” I ask and he wags his tail faster.
I open the back door and walk outside with Theo and bump into a tall man. “Hey.” I say and take a step back. “Oh, David.” I say.

“Hi Lynn.” He pulls me into a big hug and I gasp for breath.

“When did you get here?” I ask. “We’ve been sitting here for a while now.” David replies.

“Why didn’t you come to the daycare? I could have let you in.” I say. I feel bad that they had to stay outside for such a long time.
“It’s okay. The weather is nice.” He replies. “Lynn, I would like you to meet Joanne.” He says.  A beautiful dark haired lady steps forward and I shake her hand. “Nice to meet you Lynn.” She says. “It’s good to see that there is someone able to tame Ben.” She laughs.

“Nice to meet you Joanne.” I reply. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Depends from whom you heard it. If it’s from David, they are all lies.” She laughs and David glares at her. “I only say good things about you.”

I laugh. I now know where Ben gets his puppy dog eyes from. “Well, where is my son?” David asks and I shrug. “Out with the guys.” I reply. “Shall I call him to let him know that you are here?” I pull my phone from my pocket and scroll through it to find Bens’ phone number.

“Hmm Lynn?” His voice sounds at the other end. “Yup, it’s me. Your dad’s here. Where are you?” I ask.
“Eric’s bar.” He replies. I think for a moment. “Eric’s bar? Downtown?” I ask. Ben hums. “Yeah. I’ll be on my way soon.” He promises me and I hang up the phone.

“Apparently he’s on his way.” I tell David. I get some drinks for us. “Shall I make something to eat?” Joanne asks me. “No, that’s okay. I will quickly make something.” I reply and head to the kitchen.

A quick pasta will do for today.

I’m almost done cooking when I hear laughter and chatting coming from the backyard. I smile and turn off the stove.
“Honey! I’m home.” Ben shouts at me and I giggle. “It’s about time.” I shout back and go outside. Ben is clearly drunk and so are Will and Ben Johnson. It’s good to see Ben with his friends, but I don’t like him to be drunk all the time.

“Dinner is almost ready.” I say and lift my head to Ben for a kiss. He gives me a quick peck on my lips and continues talking to Will. I shrug and walk back inside to get the plates ready.

Joanne follows me. “Let me help.”  She says. “It’s okay.” I mumble.

“Sit down for a moment.” She orders and I do what she says.  I sit down at the kitchen table and Joanne grabs a chair. “Are you feeling well?” She asks.
I shrug. “I think so. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel sad, jealous and happy at the same time.” I confess.

“Must be the hormones.” Joanne tells me. I shrug again. “I am jealous that Ben is spending so much time with his friends. He is always here when I come home from work. Today he wasn’t here. Am I too demanding? I know he needs to spend time with his friends too. But I thought I was more important.”

I don’t like myself this way. Insecure, jealous and sad. That’s not the way I am.

I avoid looking at Joanne. She must think that I am a crazy person.

She rests her hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. “It’s definitely the hormones speaking.” She finally says and I smile a bit. “I hope so. I’ve never been the jealous kind. Especially not when it’s about men.” I say.

Joanne nods understandingly and pulls me into a hug. “It will be alright.” She assures. “Now let‘s take the food out to them.”

We fill the plates and take them outside where the men are chatting and drinking. Ben takes another sip of his beer and waves his hands while telling a story. I love his gesturing when he’s talking.

“Dude!” Will ducks to avoid Bens’ swinging arms and I giggle. “Ben, sit down and eat.” I say and he does so.

“This food is good.” Ben Johnson says and I blush a little. “Thank you.” I reply.

Ben keeps talking and laughing so much that he forgets to eat. By the time he finally takes another bite, the food is cold. “It’s cold.” He says unnecessarily and I chuckle. “Of course it’s cold. Heat it up in the microwave.”

It’s a warm and nice September night. “This is the last Friday before you become Mrs. Ben Graupner.” David laughs and I shiver. “I am still not used to the sound of it. Though I keep saying it to myself all the time.” I reply.

“To Mr. and Mrs. Ben Graupner.” Will raises his glass and Ben looks me in the eye. I giggle. “This time next week we will be Mr. and Mrs. Graupner.” He smiles and I shiver again. “Can it be next week yet?” I ask and Ben leans toward me for a kiss. He softly bites my bottom lip. “In only seven days.”

I smile against his mouth. “Only seven days.” I pull back and Ben takes another sip of his beer. “I am going to town with the guys again tomorrow.” He says before plopping down on the couch next to Ben Johnson. I frown.

Another day without Ben.

But I can deal with it.

I sit on the bench in the garden in between Ben and Will. My eyelids are getting heavy and I rest my head on the closest shoulder.

I am startled awake when I feel a soft nudge in my side. I sit up straight and look at the one who just nudged me. “Will, I’m sorry.” I mumble.

“You should go to bed.” Will says with a smile and I nod slowly. “I think you are right.” I get up from the bench and wave around. “I am off to bed. See you all tomorrow.” I say.
I walk towards the door and Joanne grabs my hand. “It will be okay.” She assures me one more time. “Can you keep an eye on him for me please?” I ask before heading to bed.

I crawl under the blankets and fold my hands on my belly. The little one is kicking up a storm. I wish Ben was here to sing the little one asleep.

The window is open and I can hear the soft laughing come from downstairs. It sounds like Ben is playing his guitar. I crawl out of bed and open the window a bit more.
Soft guitar tones seep into the bedroom and I rest my head back in the pillows. The little one is quiet and I enjoy the soothing sounds of Bens’ guitar that are softly coming from downstairs.

The bed next to me is empty when I wake up. I look at the clock. It’s almost noon. Where is he?”

I slowly step out of bed. It gets harder by the day.

There is no sound coming from downstairs and I peek around the door. A curly haired guy is fast asleep on the sofa. A dark haired fro peeks out from the kitchen. Is he really asleep on the floor in the kitchen? I softly giggle and see that Ben is asleep on the love seat. His legs draped over the arm rest. He snores softly.

I walk up to him and poke him in his stomach. He opens his eyes and yawns. “What’s wrong?” He asks and I laugh. “Why did you sleep here?” I ask.

Ben yawns again and rubs his eyes. “I guess I was too drunk to go upstairs.” He admits. “Can you make some coffee?” He asks and I give him a stare of death. “Do it yourself, I am going back to bed.” I mutter and turn around to go back to bed.

I am not sleepy at all but I just can’t be around Ben when he has a hangover.
I waddle back and forth from the bed to the balcony. The sun is too hot to sit up here and I don’t feel like lying down on the bed.

I eventually decide to take a bath before heading to Erica’s to have some fun there. She doesn’t know it yet, but I am sure she won’t mind if I come over.

The hot bath relaxes me and I am all refreshed when I get dressed. I slip into my long white cotton dress, with my flip flops and big white hat and go back down to the living room. Ben fell asleep again and I grab the car keys.

I honk my horn when I arrive at Soñador and Erica rushes outside. “What are you doing here?” She asks while looking back over her shoulder. “I was bored. So I came to entertain you.” I grin.

Erica keeps looking over her shoulder and tries to push me back to the car. “I am kinda busy. Can you come back later? Do some grocery shopping first or something.” She asks.
I try to look past her to the house but she’s blocking me. “Erica, what’s going on?” I ask.
“Nothing. Like I said, I am busy. Can you come back later?” I am sure she did not mean to sound harsh but it feels like she threw a bucket of cold water over my head. I grunt and start the car. I leave without saying anything.

Chapter 60 - The Sound

The days pass by. My belly is growing bigger and bigger. I am thirty weeks pregnant now and I only have to work for one more week. The last week that I will be Lynn van der Beek.

My belly grown so big, that I can hardly do any useful.  And I am waddling more than  I actually walk.

I have to fit my dress one last time before the wedding. Carlotta is came with me to the tailor and I laugh loudly when my belly refuses to fit in the dress. The tailor assures me it will all be fine before next week.

The butterflies flutter through my stomach. I will be Mrs Graupner next week.

My phone rings and I check the screen. It’s an unfamiliar number. “Hello?” I ask.

“Lynn?” a unfamiliar voice asks and I hum.

“Hi, my name is Will. I am a friend of Ben. And I was wondering if there is anyway someone could pick me up at the airport.” He asks.

My mind flashes back two years ago. “Twhilla Will?” I ask and he snorts. “Yes, that would be me.”
“Thwilla ‘the Sound a.k.a Merch guy‘ Will?” I ask again.

The Will guy at the other end of the phone laughs loudly. “Yup. That’s me.”

I blush and almost drop my phone. I manage to grab a hold of myself. “I will be there in twenty minutes.” I promise him.

I am picking up William Schmidt. One of Bens’ friends. I smile widely. I am looking forward to seeing him again.
I drop Carlotta off at her house and speed towards the airport. I have no idea where to find him and I drive around in circles.

Then I see a familiar face. I stop the car and honk my horn. He looks up and runs up to the car. “Hi. Lynn?” He asks and I nod. “In  the flesh.”

“Wait a minute, I need to get Ben.” He says and runs back to the suitcases. I am confused. “Ben?” I ask to myself.

I look in the direction Will headed to and see him returning with a very familiar guy. The fro is not as big as I remember but his scruffy beard is still the same. “Ben Johnson. Well, I’ll be damned.” I say stammering. “I never thought I’d see you ever again.”

The guy with the fro laughs at me and I blush. “Nice to see you Lynn.” He laughs and offers me his hand.
I shake it. “Good to see you again Johnson. It’s been a while. You grew up.” I giggle.
He glances at my big belly. “You got bigger.” He teases.
I open the car doors for them.

“SHOTGUN!” Will shouts and jumps into the passenger seat. Ben Johnson sighs and  gets into the backseat.

I start the car and drive back to the house. “Where did you get my phone number from?” I ask Will.
“David.” He replies. “David is gathering some of Bens’ friends for the wedding. We’re just two of them.“ He says.

“So there will be more people calling me, asking me to pick them up from the airport? How lovely of David to inform me.” I sigh dramatically.

I need to have a word with that man.

“Is Ben home?” Johnson asks me.  I look in my rearview mirror and my eyes meet his’.  “Probably, yes.” I say.

“Great. He will be very surprised to see us.”  Will laughs.
I bet he will. Hell even I am surprised to be sitting  in a car with these two guys.

I park the car in front of the house. We step out and I tell the guys to go around back. Ben will probably be in the back yard.

I waddle after them, not able to keep up with their quick pace. “GRAUPNER!” Will yells and I giggle.

Ben peeks around the corner and sees his friends walking up toward him. A smile spreads across his face and he walks up to the boys to give them a hug.

“What are you guys doing here?” He asks surprised.

“I heard someone is getting married and you know how much I love to crash parties.” Johnson laughs.

“Lynn, did you have anything to do with this?” He asks and I shake my head. “Blame your dad.” I grin.
“I just got a phone call from Mr. Thwilla here, asking me to pick them up from the airport. I am just as surprised as you are.” I say.

“Guys sit down. I’ll get you something to drink.” I say. “Let me do it. Where’s the fridge?” Ben Johnson asks. “Not a problem. You have a lot of catching up to do.” I say and go inside.

I grab some beers and a bottle of water and head back outside. The guys are talking about the past months.
I hand them all a beer and take my bottle of water and my book to the hammock. I don’t want to bother the guys.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Ben asks and I turn around. “I’ll just leave you guys alone, you must have a lot to talk about. And you don’t need me for that.” I smile and continue my way to the hammock. Ben jumps up, runs after me and grabs my arm. “Of course I need you. I want my friends to get to know the important woman in my life.” He gives me a kiss and pulls me with him.

Ben sits down and pulls me onto his lap. I giggle. “I am way to heavy for your lap now.” I blush, but Ben pulls me closer.

We talk about our upcoming wedding and the baby. When Ben Johnson points at our matching bracelets we tell them about Amada. I wipe away a tear when I think back to that day.

I feel tired and I have to work in the morning so I say goodnight to the guys. “Want me to kick them out?” Ben asks and I shake my head. “Of course not. Have a good time.” I kiss him softly on his lips.
Will gets up from his chair and pulls me into a big hug. “Goodnight.” He says.

Ben Johnson gives me a hug too. “You are still the best hugger.” I whisper in his ear. And he laughs.

“What are you talking about?” Ben asks and I shrug. “Nothing in particular.” I grin and walk away.

“Now I remember her.” Ben Johnson tells Ben. “What did she say to you?” He asks curious.

I don’t hear Ben Johnsons’ answer.

There is no way to lie down comfortably in the bed with this big belly. So I lie down flat on my back. A soft thud at the end of the bed announced Theo. He barks softly and curls up next to me with his head pressed against my waist.

I wake up when Ben comes to bed. He gives me a soft kiss. His lips taste like beer.
He smells like beer and cigarettes.
He falls down next to me and starts to snore loudly, almost immediately. I stare at the ceiling.

This sucks. There is no chance for me to go back to sleep with him snoring next to me. I nudge him and he turns over. The snoring stops and I manage to get some more sleep.

It’s way too early when my alarm clock rings. I moan and get out of bed. I get dressed and head downstairs to make some tea before Inéz arrives.

I open the door to the living room and I am startled when a loud snoring is coming from inside.
I peek around the corner and see Will curled up on the love seat and Ben Johnson sleeping on the couch.

Of course they are.

I’ll be as quiet as possible and sneak into the room. A soft knock on the door makes me look up. Inéz is waving at me.
I quickly waddle to the door to let her in. I place my finger at my lips and point at the sleeping guys. Inéz arches her eyebrow but stays quiet.

We quickly go into the kitchen. “Who the hell are they?” Inéz whispers with a grin. “Who’s the cutie with the fro?” She continues while wiggling her eyebrows. I laugh. “Which one?”  I ask. “They both have a fro.” I laugh. “The dark one.” Inéz replies.

“That’s  Ben Johnson. Bens’ friend. The other one is William Schmidt, another friend. They flew in from the United States yesterday. I assume they drank to much last night.” I giggle.

The tea is ready and we head to the daycare. Inéz keeps asking me about the guys but I can’t tell her much.
“I only met them yesterday for real.” I say. “For real?” She asks and I tell her that Ben and Ben used to be in the band together and that they are sorta in another band together. I also tell her that I met them two years ago when I was still in love with the band.” Inéz laughs.

“So, technically you are a groupie. Screwing a band member and getting knocked up.” She giggles.
I nudge her. “Technically, yes. But I really love this man.” I sigh.

The kids arrive one by one and we brace ourselves for another fun day.

Inéz, the kids and I are having lunch when a weary head peeks around the corner of the daycare. “Hi Will.” I wave at him. “Come in.”

He steps in the room and looks at me. “We’re heading out for a while and we’re taking Ben with us.” He says with a smile. I nod. “Sure, have a great time.” I reply and wave when he leaves the room. “He’s cute.” Inéz giggles.

“Heard that.” Will says from the other side of the door. He opens it and steps back inside. “How rude of me. I am William.” He offers his hand to Inéz. She shakes it with a faint blush. “Me llamo Inéz.” She suddenly speaks Spanish and I look at her with a light frown.

She’s still staring at Will and Will stares back at Inéz. What is this all about?

Chapter 59 - World On A Plate

Ben was right, the hurt fades but the thoughts still linger.

I am back at work, though not for five days anymore. Only three. The days are looking brighter and the little one inside my belly is growing well.

I am pregnant for twenty two weeks. And we had our first official ultrasound after the one we had when Amada died.
The doctor told us that she could see the gender. But Ben and I don’t want to know. We want it to be a surprise.

Ben and I are strolling through the center of Seville to find the perfect wedding rings.
There is a small jewelry store ahead and we step inside. “I don’t want the ring to be big and with diamonds.” I tell Ben. “Just simple and beautiful, like the one you wear.” I point at Bens‘ ring.
“Silver?” He asks. “Silver.” I agree.

We look through all the showcases for the perfect ones. Ben points at a set of dark sterling silver rings. I shake my head.
I point at a silver ring with three tiny diamonds in it. Now it’s Bens’ turn to shake his head.

There is a little closed box in one of the showcases and I ask the jeweler if we can see those.
He opens the showcase and takes out the box. The jeweler opens it slowly and I fall in love with the rings the moment I see them.
The female ring is silver, with a row of diamonds in the middle. The male ring is silver with a dark silver band in the middle.

It’s the mix of the rings we both like. Ben asks the price and he frowns when the jeweler answers him.
“I am afraid we don’t have money for that Lynn.” Ben says and I pout. “Can you hold them for us please? I am going to try something.” I ask and the jeweler promises me not to sell the rings.

I step outside and call my parents. “Dad, do you still want to give us the perfect wedding gift?” I ask.
My dad confirms and I tell him about the perfect rings. I ask him if he is willing to make a donation as wedding gift.

“I like that idea.” He says and promises me to send me the money. I keep saying thank you over and over again till my dad hangs up the phone.

I smile at Ben and raise my thumb. We walk back inside and see if the rings will fit. Bens’ ring is too small and we place an order to have it sized.

Almost everything is now settled for the 4th of October.

We discussed our wedding plans for a long time and we decided to keep it a small wedding with only our closest friends and family.
A wedding in the olive tree grove at Soñador. It was Ericas’ idea  to make it happen there. She knows how much I love being around the olive tree grove.

I’ve been shopping for a wedding gown with Carlotta, Inéz and Erica. I found a perfect dress for the state I will be in during the wedding.
A white satin halter top dress.

It fits perfectly. I will have to try it on one more time, a week before the wedding so they can make it bigger around my belly.

The wedding day is getting closer but first we will have Bens’ ‘twenty seven and a half’ birthday.
He thought I was joking when I told him it was going to happen, but I wasn’t. I invited close friends for a barbecue on Saturday.

The sun is high up in the sky and it’s too hot to do anything else but relaxing in the shadow of a tree. I sit in my hammock between the two olive trees in the garden and swing back and forth a little.

My hand rests on my belly and Ben hands me a glass of juice. “Got room for me there too?” He asks and I move a little to make room for him. He wraps his arm around me and I lean my head on his shoulder. His head rests on mine and his other hand is resting on my belly.

We slowly swing back and forth. Theo is sleeping on the grass next to the hammock and there is no sound besides the leaves rustling and birds whistling.
A soft kick from the inside of my belly makes Ben look up. “I felt it, I finally felt it.” He laughs.
“Hi there little one, I am your daddy.” He says loudly and I giggle. “The little one can hear you, no need to shout.” I say.

“Really? It can hear me?” Ben asks and I nod. Ben lets go of me and runs inside to return with his Spanish guitar and a chair. He sits down in front of me and softly strums the guitar.

The little one inside my belly starts moving and kicking around like crazy. And I laugh. “Seems like it already knows how to dance frantically in passion.”
Ben quits playing and the little one stops moving.

“Play again.” I ask with a frown. Ben does what I ask and the little one kicks me again.
“Now stop.” I ask and Ben does so. Little one stops moving too and I laugh.

“I think we made a little musician.” I grin.

“A dancer maybe.” Ben laughs.

He strums his guitar a bit more and I lean back to enjoy it all. Ben softly sings a song I remember from back in the days. When he was still in the band.

I softly sing along.


“Your pretty lady's waiting out
In the coal stained air
And I've watched
Your hair turn gray
Throughout the course of one fateful day


She got
She got
Shy water in her eyes.”

Ben smiles at me and continues singing.

I clap my hands when he stops and he smiles shyly. “I never expected you to know the lyrics.” He admits and I giggle. “Of course I still know the lyrics. I also know songs I listened to when I was a teenager. Your music was such a big part of my life, it’s hard to forget any of it.”

He gets up and leans in to kiss me. “I love you Ben.” I mumble against his mouth. “I love you too Lynn.” He leans in more to press a kiss on my belly. “I love you too little one.”

Ben jumps up and I giggle. “I think you just got kicked in the face.” I snort and Ben laughs. “I think so too.

Ben takes his guitar back inside and then joins me and the little one in the hammock again.

****************************
The Song Ben is singing in the story: Shy Water: 

Chapter 58 - The Stars Are Mighty Bright Tonight

Ben parks the car in front of ‘Soñador’ and I run inside to find my mom. She’s sitting on the sofa watching TV with my dad. She gets up from the sofa when I run toward her. She wraps me in her arms and I start crying again.

“One is dead mom. I had twins and one is dead.” I sob. My mom gasps and strokes my back. I cling to her and cry till I run out of tears.

I release my grip and step back a little. My mums’  cheeks are wet and my dad has red, teary eyes too.
I don’t have to look at Ben to know that he is crying too.

My dad is furious when I tell him that the doctor sent me home to await a spontaneous abortion. But there is nothing we can do about it. That’s the way things are.

I am still terrified to see what the baby looks like.

Erica offers to make dinner for us and we both gladly accept. I sit on the couch next to my dad. His arm firmly wrapped around me like only a dad can.
I look at Ben every now and then. It breaks my heart to see the sad look on his face, but I find it hard to comfort him while I am dealing with my own sorrows right now.

Two days pass by and nothing happens yet. No contractions. No blood loss. Only a broken heart.

A little movement in my belly makes me wake up from my thoughts. I rest my hand on my belly. “I should not forget about you.” I softly speak to the still living little one in my belly.

People give me lot of advice to make it easier. But things don’t get easier. It’s scary to carry a dead baby inside of me. But I am also sad and hurt.

Ben told his students that he is taking some time off to be here for me. I don’t want him to be around me all the time right now. I can’t handle the sad puppy dog eyes looking at me all the time.
I can’t make him realize it that I am not a fragile doll to be protected. I feel like I carry a ‘handle with care’ sign on my butt.

“I am going to take a hot bath.” I tell him. “Let me help you.” He says and I want to scream at him. But I don’t .

I let him follow me upstairs. He gets the bath ready while I undress myself. And that’s when I feel a wet substance between my legs.

I wipe my fingers across my thighs and look at my hand.

Blood.

This is it.

“Ben, it’s started.” I moan. A sharp pain shoots through my belly. “Call the doctor.” I manage to say before I hit the floor.

I use  everything in my power not to faint. Ben runs to the bedroom, grabs his phone and calls the doctor. She promises to come over right away.

Ben lifts my upper body a little and sits behind me to hold me tight while I try to handle the contractions. He calls Erica to tell her that it’s started and that she has to come right away.

The front door opens not even five minutes later and I hear voices.
Erica runs into the bathroom followed by the doctor.

I scream and cry. Ben is still holding me, pressing me against his chest.
I cry louder when I feel something slide out of me, something the size of a small ball. Ben gasps and the doctor kneels next to my legs. “There she is. A perfect little girl.” The doctor reaches between my legs and holds a tiny red thing in her hand.

It looks like a little person but not really a person at all. I think. My thoughts don’t make sense. I can’t stop staring at my little girl in the hand of the doctor.

My little girl that had no chance to live at all.

I rest my head back against Bens’ shoulder. Tears are running down my cheeks. Ben is crying too, a tear drops in my neck. I turn my head and rest my forehead against his cheek.

“I think you should give her a name. That might help you get through this.” The doctor tells me.

That’s something we haven’t spoken about yet. Names.

The first name that pops up in my mind is Amada. I have never heard the name before and I don’t know if it’s an actual name. But I like the sound of it.

I suggest it to Ben and he softly nods. “I like that.”

Little Amada. The girl that was not meant to be with us. I look at her one more time before the doctor carefully takes her away.

Five days have passed since Amada was born. We are buried her yesterday. They told me that’s not a standard procedure and they had never had someone ask before. But it’s something I need to do. Something that will help me get through this  immense pain. The doctor checked up on me and the other baby, still inside my belly, is doing good.

Better than I am doing right now. I don’t eat. I hardly take care of myself. All I am doing is sit on the couch staring outside.

I can’t be bothered to go to the daycare. Inéz is taking care of it anyway. I can’t be bothered to go outside. The only thing I want to do is sleep. Sleep and think of nothing.

The pain that I feel is too much right now.

Ben wanted to take more days off but I told him to go to work. I can’t have him around me right now.

I want to be alone with my pain.

My mum and dad leave Seville tomorrow and I don’t care. They are checking up on me every day and I am getting tired of it.

A knock on the door makes me look up and I sigh. Not again.

I paste a smile on my face and open the door for my parents. “Wow, that’s been a while.” I say. My parents don’t notice the sarcasm in my voice.

My mum hands me a  basket of oranges. ‘You need some vitamins.”  She says. I take the basket and take it to the kitchen. My mum buzzes around me and I finally break down. “MOM! Can you please stop. I want to be alone. Please leave!” I snap and she looks startled at me. “Lynn, I’m sorry. Why didn’t you just say so?” She asks and grabs her bag.
She hugs me quickly before taking my dad with her back to Soñador.

I lie down on the couch and curl up in a ball. Theo is keeping my company. The only company I want right now.

The little one is moving inside my belly and I place my hand on it.

There were two.

Now only one.

I hear the front door open and Ben shouts my name. “Here.” I say softly. I am not sure if he heard me. His peeks around the door and he smiles. He has one arm behind his back and I look curiously at him.

“I got you something.” He says.

I sit up straight and wait for him to walk over to me. He hands me a little box and I open it with trembling hands.

There is a silver bracelet with a silver plate on it in the box. I look and read the words. ‘Amada’ it says. “Look at the other side.” Ben says and I turn it over.
‘Our beloved angel. 06-28-2013’

Ben shows me his wrist to show me a slightly thicker silver bracelet. “I’ve got the same.” He says. “I don’t want the memory of Amada to fade away.” He leans in to kiss me.
“Amada means beloved.” I whisper and look up at Ben. “I know.” He replies simply. “That’s why I had it engraved like that.”

I reach up and pull him close. “Hold me please.” I cry.

Ben sits down next to me and pulls me onto his lap. I rest my head against his neck, wrapping my arms around him.

“I am about to break down Ben. I can’t take it anymore.” I cry uncontrollably. Bens’ hands stroke my back

Ben promises me that the hurt will fade someday.

“Please be strong, there is another little one inside your belly who needs you to take care of him or her.” He says.

Chapter 57- By Your Side

The nurse leaves me and my parents behind with our thoughts running. My dad tries to cheer me up but I can’t seem to smile anymore.

Ben returns to my room and hands me a pink floating balloon. “Hmm, thanks, I think.” I frown.

I hate balloons.

It has Dora on it, why does it have Dora on it?”

“Why is there Dora on the balloon?” I ask with a frown and Ben laughs. “Because there weren’t any other pink balloons.”

I smile faintly. “Thank you.”

Another nurse comes back to the room and notifies my parents and Ben that visiting hours are over and that they have to leave. My mum and dad give me a hug. “Call us if you hear anything.” My mum says. I promise her to do so and wave at them when they leave my room.

Ben sits next to me on the bed. His hand rests on my belly and his face is turned toward me. I turn my head and look him in his eyes. “I love you Lynn, no matter what happens.” He whispers and gives me a kiss before he leaves the bed. He bends over one more time to place a kiss on my belly. “Hang in there little one.” He mumbles against my little bump.

I blow him a kiss before he leaves the room.
I am alone with my thoughts and plug in my music to drift away to the music entering my ears.

I manage to sleep most of the night and am woke up by the nurse who wants to measure my blood pressure.
I stick out my arm and she folds the band around it. My blood pressure is good and the nurse leaves the room.

Will there ever come a doctor to tell me anything?

The breakfast cart brings me bread and juice.

Still no doctor.

Hours are passing by. After waiting for three hours, a good natured doctor enters the room. “Good morning Señorita.” He smiles and starts talking to me in rapid Spanish. I can hardly understand him and ask him to slow down.

“What I was saying is that we will run some tests today to see how life in there is going.” He says while gently patting me on my belly. I twitch and want to move away from the doctor as far as possible.
“Can you please not touch my belly like that.” I snap and the doctor apologizes.

He annoys me with his happiness.

“We will come and take you for tests in a short while.” The doctor continues his sentence and says goodbye.

I still have no idea what they are going to do now.

A man with a wheelchair approaches my bed and helps me out of bed into the wheelchair and drives me away.
He puts the wheelchair in front of a closed door in a long hallway. There are people waiting on the chairs next to me.

I feel lonely.

After what seems like hours, a nurse comes to get me and helps me down on the bed for a new ultrasound scan.

The nurse is trying to comfort me while she examines me. She looks worried from the screen back to me and I get goosebumps all over my body.
What’s going on?

She’s writing down in a folder but isn’t saying anything.

“Can you please tell me what’s wrong?” I beg. She looks at me. “I  can’t find a heartbeat.” She says softly.

My eyes fill with tears and I turn my head to the other side. I can’t look at the screen. “Is the baby dead?” I ask.

“I am not sure yet.” She avoids my question but continues sliding the wand across my belly.

And then, all of a sudden out of nowhere;

A little thumping sound. Faint, but definitely there.

I breath in slowly. “Is that it?” I ask and look back at her. The nurse smiles at me and nods slowly.

“Is everything okay?” I ask. “I can’t believe this.” The nurse says stunned. “Everything seems intact here. But on the other side.” She pauses while sliding the wand back to the other side. “There is a nearly empty membrane. Señora, did you know you were expecting twins?” She asks.

I gasp. “Twins?” I ask.

The nurse nods and looks at the screen again. “I think you have to return to your room, you have to call your husband and talk to the doctor.” She says quickly. “Twins?” I ask again but the nurse does not reply. She dials a number on the phone. Another nurse comes in the room and helps me back into my wheelchair to take me to my room.
“Call your husband.” The nurse says to me before I leave the room.

The first thing I do when I am back in the room, is call Ben. “Ben you need to come over. I don’t know why but I don’t have a good feeling.” I say. Ben assures me he will be here as soon as possible. “Drive carefully.” I say and hang up the phone.

“Everything okay?” The girl in the other bed tries to start a conversation with me. I don’t reply and she gives up.

Twins?

She really said twins.

It takes Ben twenty minutes to come up to my room. As soon as he is here the doctor enters too. He closes the curtains around my bed and asks Ben to sit down.

We both look at the doctor and he starts talking.

“After the ultrasound today we found that there was a nearly empty membrane. But also one that’s completely intact. You were pregnant with twins. But one of them did not make it. Your water broke yesterday and left one without fluid. It had no chance to survive.  You will miscarry that one probably within a few days. I am sorry to bring you this sad news.” He bows his head, turns around and leaves us behind.

I am too shocked to say anything.

How come I never noticed? How could I be pregnant with twins?

And suddenly it hits me. I carry a dead baby inside of me together with his still living sibling.

I put my hands over my face and start crying uncontrollably. I lost my baby. How can I lose my baby?

I hear Ben sniffing next to me and I stare at him. He is staring out the window. Silent tears are running down his cheeks. I reach out my hand and squeeze his shoulder.
He places his hand on mine and squeezes it softly.

We cry together.

The doctor returns back to my room after a short while to tell me that I can go home to wait till the miscarriage happens. If it doesn’t happen within a week, I need to come back.

I am terrified to find a dead baby but I know it’s something that has to happen.

I gather my stuff, sigh deep and leave the hospital together with Ben. “I need to see my mom.” I cry.

This flood of tears will not be over yet.

Chapter 56 - Shock & Fright

“BEN!” My voice is trembling with fear. Ben comes running into the room. I am still staring at the wet bloody spot in the bed with my hands protective on my belly.
“Lynn, you startled me. Are you okay?” Ben asks. I shake my head and point at the bed. Ben’s eyes get big and he looks from the bed  back to me.

“What happened?” He asks and I start crying. “I am afraid Ben, I think I miscarried. I don’t know what to do now. Hold me please.”
Ben takes me in his arms and softly kisses me on top of my head
“We need to see a doctor.” Ben says.

I change my wet trousers quickly and walk with Ben to the car. I am still holding my belly. Is it karma hating on me for doubting that I wanted to keep the baby? Will there ever be a time when things will work out the way they are supposed to?

We rush to the doctor for a check up. We are lucky she has time to see me right away and I lay down on the table. Ben is firmly holding my hand and I can feel him trembling.

The doctor lifts my shirt. I shiver when she squirts the cold gel on my belly. She carefully slides the wand across my belly, looking for a sign that there is still something there.

I hold my breath and Ben is squeezing my hand hard. His face pulled into a frown.
After what seems like hours, a soft little buzzing sound fills the room. The doctor looks at me and smiles. “There is a heartbeat. It is weak, but it’s still there.”

I take a deep breath of relief. “What happened to me then?” I ask.

“There is hardly any fluid left. Your water broke.” She explains. I shake my head. “But if my water broke, doesn’t that mean I need to go into labor now?” My voice is trembling. I am only 17 weeks pregnant. Too early to give birth.

The doctor takes her time to explain to Ben and me, that it happens more often that women lose their fluids early during the pregnancy. I feel relieved for a moment, but then she continues. “The surviving chances are slim. The baby needs to fight and your womb needs to fill up with fluids to increase any chances.”

“So, what do I need to do now?” I ask fearful. I look at Ben. His face is pale and he looks shocked at my belly. “You have to rest. Flat on your back for as long as possible. We will check up on you every day to see how things go. Of course this can’t be done at your own house. You have to stay in the hospital till we know more.”

I feel like crying. I bit my lip not to cry and I can taste the iron taste of blood in my mouth.

“Doctor, does this happen when people have sex during the pregnancy?” Ben asks with a soft voice.

The doctor shakes her head. “Not at all. A baby is perfectly protected in the belly, as long as there is enough amniotic fluid around the baby. Don’t worry, sex during the pregnancy is not bad at all.” She says. Ben sighs with relief. “Excuse me while I go make some calls. You will be picked up with an ambulance soon.” The doctor assures me.

I tell her that it’s not that far and we can take the car. “You are not traveling anywhere right now missy.” She says on a motherly tone.

I lie back down on the examine bed and look at Ben.  A tear rolls down his cheek. I lift my hand to wipe it away. He grabs my hand and keeps it there, my palm against his cheek.

“We’ll get through this. And so will the little one, if it is anything like us, it will be just as stubborn.” I assure Ben. But I am not sure if I believe it myself.

The ambulance arrives and takes me to the hospital in the middle of Seville. A familiar place to be.
Ben rushes home to get some stuff for me to be at the hospital.

I share the bright white room with only one other girl. She is asleep and I look at her. She must be about my age. A big bump is visible through the thin sheets. She’s clearly pregnant.

I rest my head back in the pillows and stare at the ceiling. I am bored already. How on earth am I supposed to stay flat on my back for I don’t know how long.

A quick look at the clock tells me that it’s nearly time for dinner, I wonder what’s on the menu. I also wonder where Ben is. He’s away for over an hour now.
The door opens and a familiar face peeks around the corner. I smile and wave. “Hi.” I say. “Hi miss, how are you feeling now?” Ben asks me and I grumble. “I already hate it here, but it’s for a good cause.” I say.

Ben hands me a bag with my pajamas. my phone and a book. “Thank you.” I say. “You’re welcome. I also told Inéz what happened and she immediately called one of her old colleagues to help at the daycare, so everything is settled. And your mom and dad will come to visit you tonight.” Ben says.

I smile.

I’ve got the best boyfriend in the world.

Ben sits down next to my bed. “Do you know what they will do now?” He asks and I have to deny that.
“No one has told me anything yet. I am here for more than an hour. And I only saw the nurse who gave me this.” I hold up my arm to show him the needle that sticks in my hand. Ben follows the tube all the way up to the drip. “What’s in there?” He asks. I shrug. “Probably something that will work.” I say.

Ben strokes my hand. “Are you hurt?” He asks worried. “Not much.” I reply quickly. “Just scared.”

He lifts my hand to his face and gives me a soft kiss on my palm. A tear slides down my face and lands on the pillow. My eyes are burning, my chest is hurting and I am about to break.
I can’t forgive myself if something happened to the baby. It’s all the bad karma working for me for not wanting the baby.
I do want the baby, I do.

‘Keep the faith.’ sounds softly in my head.

“Never lose hope.” I whisper and Ben looks at me. “Don’t lose hope and never, ever give in.” He replies.

I look at Ben and his eyes are teary. “We will get through this.” He assures me. I can only hope that he is right.

Hours pass and I still don’t know what will happen to me.

Ben is still sitting by the bed and the woman in the bed next to me wakes up. She is suffering from pre-eclampsia and needs bed rest too. I am not the only unfortunate here. But if things go bad with her baby and she goes  into labor. Her baby will be strong enough to survive. I know I am mean for thinking that. But I can’t help it.

A soft knock on the door and my mum steps in the room, followed by my dad. Ben gets up from his chair and gives me a kiss. “I will be back soon. I am going to get some coffee.” He smiles and takes off, hugging my mum when he passes her.

My dad is the first to be at my bed and hugs me softly. “What happened? Ben told us to get here as soon as possible. Is the baby okay?” My dad’s face is pale and his eyes are red.

“I still don’t know anything dad. Besides that my water broke and I need bed rest.” I calmly explain to my dad what the doctor told me before I went to the hospital.

“I will demand a nurse speaks to you, to tell you more.” My dad says angrily and walks away from the bed into the hallway.
My mum rushes to my bed and places a kiss on my forehead. “I was so worried.” She says softly. “I am still worried.” I reply.

My dad comes back to the room together with a nurse. “Now tell her that everything will be fine.” My dad demands but the nurse shakes her head. “I can’t do that señor, I am sorry. I am not the right person to say anything right now.” The nurse bends her head and avoids looking at me.

“Why can’t you tell me anything?” I ask “It’s not up to me.” She simply replies and I start to worry again. Why can’t she just tell me what’s going on?

Chapter 55 - Cheers

Chapter 55  Cheers

The party is about to start. Erica, Inéz,  Carlotta and my parents are here for dinner. Ben and my dad are laughing while they are roasting the meat. Erica raises her glass. “Happy Birthday Lynn.” She raises her glass of wine and the others follow. “Happy 25th birthday my love.” Ben gives me a kiss and the others hug me. “25” I mutter. “I am getting old.” I shudder.

“If YOU are old, what does that make me?” Ben asks and I grin. “27.” I reply. We all laugh. I am the youngest of all and the only one that isn’t smoking or drinking.

Theo is chasing rabbits in the garden and begs for a piece of meat every now and then.
I’m having the time of my life.

The party is a great success but I am exhausted by the time everyone has left. “Let’s get up early tomorrow and clean up.” Ben says. But I shake my head. “I want to clean un now,  quickly, so I can lie in a little tomorrow.”

We quickly bring the dirty dishes, bowls and glasses inside and head to bed.

Theo is following me wherever I go. He crawls next to me when I’m finally in bed and lays his head on my belly. He howls softly and I stroke his head. “You will not be forgotten sweet Theo.” I assure him. He howls one more time, lifts his head and curls up next to me.

I guess this is his way to greet the little one in my belly. I turn on my side and fall asleep.

The next day is filled with lots of guests who come to celebrate my birthday. Today is my actual birthday and my parents drop by to hand me my present.  They bought me a gorgeous green stroller which can be used for babies as well as toddlers.

I buzz around the garden to make sure everyone is happy. Take care of drinks and food where necessary and occasionally kiss Ben when I pass him.

The garden and the house is empty just before dinner time. My parents are the last to leave with the promise they will come back for dinner tomorrow.

Ben takes off to walk Theo and I go inside.
My feet are sore. I kick off my shoes and plop on the couch.

I look at all the presents I revieved. Most of them are baby related. Baby clothes, bottles, pacifiers and stuffed animals.
The parents at work all joined in to buy a three hundred  euro gift card for baby furniture.

I’m such a spoiled girl.

This was one of the best birthdays ever.

Ben returns and plops down next to me. I lean against him. “Thank you for the great day.” I say. “This is the first time we have spend your birthday together.” He laughs.

I look up at him. “Which reminds me, that I totally forgot about YOUR birthday.” I gasp. It suddenly crosses my mind that he had his birthday three days after I was released from prison. “I can’t believe I forgot. And I can’t believe you never mentioned it.” I slap his arm.

“Never mind. I will celebrate it twice next year. Hmk?” He says, but I am not satisfied with that answer. “Technically it will be your twenty-seventh and a half birthday in August. Can we celebrate your twenty-seventh and half birthday then?” I clap my hands enthusiastically and Ben laughs. “If you want me to celebrate my twenty-seventh and a half birthday, then let’s do so.” He gives me a kiss on my cheek and I cheer.

I love parties.

Even though I will be 6 months pregnant then.

“Speaking of parties. Aren’t there some things we need to arrange for a wedding day in October?” Ben asks and I raise my eyebrow. “I am due in November. I don’t think I will find a wedding dress big enough to fit my belly if we get married in October.” I mutter. “What about the fourth of October?” He asks. “I will still be big.” I grumble. “But probably less big than you will be on the 30th.” Ben grins and I have to admit that he might have a point.

“Okay, the fourth of October it is.” I clap my hands again.

More parties!.

“We will talk about it more tomorrow. But now I really need sleep. Are you coming with me?” Ben gets up from the couch and I reach out my hands. He grabs them and pulls me up straight. “I wonder if I can still carry you.” He grins and turns his back to me. “Hop on.”

I giggle and wrap my legs and arms around him. “This is the first time I have given two people a piggyback ride at the same time.” He laughs when he stumbles up the stairs with me on his back.

I can’t stop laughing and it takes me a lot of strength to keep on holding him. He gently drops me on the bed and I am still giggling. My dress shoved up above my hips. Ben looks down on me, his eyes are dark with lust and I bite my lip.

“Can we… Is it possible… Is it dangerous?” Ben stammers when I  try to pull him on top of me.
“We did it before.” I frown. “But your stomach, it’s bigger now. Won’t I crush the baby?” He is still backing away from me.  And I giggle.
“Of course not.” His worries are touching, but for now I desperately want to get laid. “The hormones are driving me crazy. I am horny all the time.” I confess and his eyes get bigger.
“Really?” He asks.

“Shut up, come here and kiss me.” I manage to finally pull him on top of me. He lifts his weight off of me a bit but he does what I demand. His lips crush mine.

He never been so gentle with me and I have to admit that I like him being so gentle and careful.

We slowly make love and fall asleep in each others arms.

The alarm clock is ringing way too early. I growl and throw the blankets off of me. The moment I swing my legs out of the bed I feel the nausea coming up. “Not again.” I growl and run to the bathroom.

That’s been a while.

I drag myself to work. Inéz sees me stumbling inside with a pale face. “Are you okay Lynn?” She asks. “Not counting the party overdose, lack of sleep and some morning sickness. Yes, I am.” I yawn and rub my eyes. The smell of coffee and baby poop makes me feel nauseous again but I manage to keep it in.

“We really need to find someone to replace you.” Inéz says. “Someone we can call when you are not feeling well too.” She continues.

“I am okay, really.” I’ll say quickly. “I just go sit outside with the oldest kids to play and get some fresh air.”

My stomach treats me mean for the rest of the day. I keep throwing up and Inéz eventually sends me back to bed. “I will handle it here. You get some sleep and take care of that little one in there.”

I grumble but do what she tells me to. I stumble back to the bedroom and crawl in bed.

“Lynn, are you home?” Bens’ voice from downstairs wakes me up from my dream. I turn on my back and kick away the blankets.
The bed feels wet. I must have been sweating badly. I swing my legs out of the bed and turn around to pull the covers back on the bed.

I stop breathing for a moment.

That’s not sweat in the bed.

It’s too wet for only sweat.

Blood?

Chapter 54 - Happy Family

I am pregnant for seventeen weeks now. There is a little bump visible and I am wearing my tight dresses with pride.

Summer is slowly approaching and the days are getting longer and warmer. I told the kids at the daycare that there is a little ‘bébé’ growing in my belly and they ask me questions about it every day.
Inéz and I are looking for someone to replace me when I can’t do the job anymore.
Ben started his music school in a little building in town.
His students love Ben for his enthusiasm and they willingly spread the word about him. Ben is getting new students almost every day.

I am happier than I ever been before. My parents are coming over for my birthday this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing them again after all this time.
The nausea has almost completely disappeared and I feel good.

We started to clean out the big room next to Bens’ music room. We wanted that room to be a guest room, but plans changed.
They changed in a good way.

The walls are light green and yellow. We are still looking around for the perfect baby furniture but we haven’t found it yet.

Ben and I called David and Joanne a few weeks ago to tell them the news. David couldn’t be happier but he was surprised again.

“I still can’t believe that my wild middle one is the first to start a family.” David told Ben and we both laughed about it.

I don’t think anyone would have expected that to happen.

It’s Saturday morning. Ben and I are at the Seville airport. I am anxiously waiting for my parents to arrive.

I stare at the doors of the gate, willing them to open. Time goes slowly when you want it to go quicker.

Finally the doors open and people step through. I look around, looking for the red hair that belongs to my mother or the bald head that belongs to my dad.

I don’t see them yet.

A red headed woman walks through the door and I jump up. “MOM” I shout and run towards her. She drops her suitcase and holds me close. “I missed you so much mom.”

“Let me look at you Lynn.” My mum says softly in my ear. She takes a step back and holds my arms to look at me.

“Lynn, you are gorgeous. You look so good.” My mums’ voice is trembling.
“Hi Lynn.” A voice says from behind my mother. “Daddy.” My voice breaks and I run towards my dad to hug him.
Tears run down my cheeks and make my dads’ shirt wet when I bury my head in his shoulder.

My mum hugs me again and we stay there for a while, not saying anything till my dad breaks free from my arms. “Now lets get a coffee.” His cheeks are wet too. I wipe my tears away and look at Ben. He looks a bit awkward standing there looking at a family reunion. I reach out my hand to him and he comes closer. “Mom and dad, I want you to meet Ben.” I say.

Ben is being his funny and friendly gentleman self. I can see that he has already charmed my mom with his being. My dad is watching from a distance. He never accepted any of my boyfriends easily so I have to give him some time.

We buy a coffee at one of the many little coffee corners and sit down to chat.

My mum looks at my belly. “And how is the little one doing?” She asks.
“Same as yesterday.” I laugh

We spoke for many times on the phone since the day I finally found the courage to call her and I kept her up to date about my pregnancy.

 I take my parents back to Ericas’ bed and breakfast where they will stay during their holiday. I love having friends with a bed and breakfast living close to me.

I hug Erica and introduce her to my parents. “I can see where Lynn got her great looks from.” Erica makes my mum blush. It makes me giggle to see my mum blush.

Erica made lunch for us and we settle down in the garden. I casually lean against Ben and he has his arm wrapped around me.

Ben and my dad found that they both have a thing for horses and they tease me about my fear of them. I pout. “You are both so mean.” I stick out my tongue and nudge Ben in his waist.

For a moment I think he nudges me back but he didn‘t. “Ben, I think the baby just kicked.”  I gasp and look up at Ben.
He tenderly lays his hand on my belly. We wait for a moment but the moving has stopped.

 “It stopped.” Ben looks a little disappointed. “Don’t be sad. The little one will be in there for a while. You’ll get your chance.” I say.
“Don’t be hoping too much. If the baby is like her mother you won’t feel it.” My dad laughs. “Lynn always stopped moving the moment I tried to feel her. In all those months I never felt the kicking.”

I chuckle. “This little one has two very stubborn parents. So I wouldn’t be surprised if she did the same.”

“But she also has two very bouncy parents. So I wouldn’t be surprised if she moves around a lot.”

“It’s Erica who notices us talking about ‘she’ all the time. “Do you already know that it’s a girl?” She asks. “No, but I got sick of talking about ’it’ and ’the baby’ all the time.” I explain to her.

Ben and I leave my parents at Ericas’ place so they can settle in and explore the area while Ben and I get ready for the party that night.
It will be a whole weekend of parties. Tonight I will just celebrate it for my parents and closest friends. Tomorrow is for the kids, the parents and anyone else that wants to stop by.

We stop by the grocery store to buy drinks and food and quickly go back home. Ben starts preparing everything for the barbecue while I take a quick shower.
I go back downstairs only wearing my underwear so you can see my growing belly. I love that we don’t have neighbors.

I walk outside to the garden wearing only my underwear and walk up to Ben. “Can I help?” I ask.
Ben turns around and looks at me. His mouth falls open for a moment but then smiles widely. He kneels in front of me. Softly pressing a kiss on my belly. “Hi there little one.” He stands back up and pecks me on my lips. “Hi there you.” He smiles. “You forgot your clothes.” He grins and checks out my body. “Rawr” He growls and I giggle. “Oh no you don’t, stud.” I push him away from me when he grabs my butt. “We got a party to prepare and I don’t want my outfit to get dirty.” I explain to him why I am nearly naked.

I help Ben get the garden ready for tonights’ party. We rush inside when we’re done. Ben to take a shower and I to get dressed.

I open my closet and look inside with a frown. Dress or jeans? I go for my black boot cut jeans, a thin light blue v-neck top and flip flops.
I put my hair up with a few pins and apply some make up. I look in the mirror and see Ben standing behind me. “You look gorgeous.” He smiles. I smile back in the mirror. “You look naked.” I grin.

“Don’t start with me now woman.” He laughs and grabs his jeans from the bed.
“Are you really going to wear that shirt.” I point at his shirt with a unicorn on it. “Why not?” He asks. “Because unicorns are a no no on my birthday party.” I giggle.

He refuses to take off the shirt and I shrug. I might accidentally spill some sauce on it later.

Chapter 53 - Complicated

“You really have to talk to Ben about it. You are too quick in thinking before you even spoke about it.” Inéz says.
“But what if I don’t want the baby?” I reply.

“Why don’t you want to keep the baby?” She asks. I am silent for a moment.

This is a question I don’t have an answer to right now.

“You love kids.” Inéz says. “Of course I love kids! Why would I run a daycare if I didn’t? But I don’t know if I am ready to raise a kid myself.” I shrug.
“There is still Ben to help you.” Inéz tells me. I honestly don’t know what to do.

“I really need to go now. Promise me you will talk about it with Ben before you make any stupid decisions that you will regret later.” Inéz makes me promise it.

I hesitate to go back inside the house. I know I can’t keep secrets from Ben but maybe that’s for the best right now. I need to talk about it with him anyway.

I am pregnant for seven weeks. It’s nothing yet. Just a bit of cells.

Right?

I place my hand on my flat stomach. Nothing there.

I swallow the lump that’s in my throat and walk inside the house. I hear music coming from upstairs. Ben is playing the Spanish guitar and my knees buckle. I need to tell him.

But I can’t.

I wish my mum was here.

I walk into the living room and plop down on the couch. I grab the phone and dial a number.

“Hello?” A voice asks.

“Mom, it’s me.” My voice breaks and I start crying.

My mom is surprised to hear my voice and even more surprised when I tell her about what has happened in the past months.
I tell her that I missed her and dad so much and I apologize for my behavior.
She lets me know that everything is going alright and that they really missed me.
We talk for over an hour but then my mum really needs to go.

“I love you mum.” I say

“I love you too Lynn, thank you for taking the step to call. I am proud of you.” She replies.

Her words make me cry.

Ben walks in and sees me crying on the couch. “Are you okay?” He asks and I look up to him. “I just called my mum.” I say softly. “They don’t hate me.”

Ben plops down on the sofa and wraps his arms around me. “I am proud of you. What made you decide to call her after all?” He asks.

“I am pregnant and I needed her so bad.”

I drop the bomb and look at Ben. “I am pregnant and I don’t know what to do.” I repeat.

“Are you serious?” He asks.

“I am going to be a daddy.” He smiles.

“I don’t know what I need to do now Ben. I just don’t know. I don’t know if I am capable of raising a kid. I don’t know if I want it. And I am due at the end of November which means we can’t get married in October.” I know I am rambling but I still can’t think straight.

Ben places his hands on my cheeks and forces me to look at him. “We can do this. And you will be a lovely pregnant bride.” He assures me before kissing me softly.

“I am going to be a daddy.” He smiles. “I need to call my dad to tell him the great news.” Ben wants to jump up but I keep him down. “Don’t. Please, don’t. I am not sure if I want to keep it.”

Bens’ mouth falls open. “Why not? We can do this together. I promise.”

I shrug and shake my head. “I never thought about having kids.” I say.

That’s a lie. I spoke about it with Rick before. We were about to throw out the birth control pills.
Why am I this insecure now?

“I think I need some time.” I whisper. “Please, give me some time.”

Ben pulls me close. “I love you anyway. And I am sure you will do the right thing.” He whispers in my ear.
I lay my head down in Bens’ lap and stare in the distance.

Why can’t things just be easy.

“I am going to make a sandwich, you want one too?” I sit up straight and look at Ben. He nods and I walk to the kitchen.

I don’t feel like cooking. I don’t feel like doing anything at all.
I wonder if there is something like a pregnancy depression. I should ask the doctor next time I see her.

I get a few sandwiches ready and bring them back to the living room. Ben looks at me with pitiful eyes. I wish I could talk to Ben about my feelings. But I don’t even know what my feelings are.

I have always been good at hiding my feelings from everyone, including from myself.

I spend most of the weekend in the bathroom, throwing up. I feel really sick. Will it stay this way for the whole nine months?

Ben is very supportive of me, holding my trembling body when I throw up and he brings me glasses of water when I need it.

Two weeks pass by and I still don’t know the answer to the big question.

Will I keep the baby or not.

Ben isn’t pressuring me at all. He knows that if he forces me, I won’t be able to think about it.

I have no idea what to expect from a pregnancy. I know a lot of babies but nothing about pregnancies.
I snoop around the internet to find things that might help to make up my mind.

First I check about the morning sickness. That’s not helpful, it can last for weeks or be over soon. That’s different for everyone. I sigh and continue my search.

A picture of a 10 week old embryo pops up on my screen and I look at it.

This picture is an eye opener to me. There is a living creature growing inside my belly. A creature with tiny feet and miniature hands.
A little person with a right to live.

I rest my hand on my belly and an overwhelming feeling spreads through my body.

“I am going to take care of you my little one.” I whisper.

“BEN!” I shout.

“What?” He replies from behind me.

“I‘m going to keep the baby.” I smile. “Are you okay with that daddy?” I ask.
Ben runs up to me, lifts me up and twirls me around.
“Hell yes.” He laughs. “I knew you would make the right decision.” He puts me back on my feet and gives me a kiss.
I break away from his kiss and run to the bathroom.

To throw up.

Again.

I am becoming a mommy. And to be honest, I’m starting to like the sound of that.

Ben and I becoming a family.
Who would have thought

Chapter 52 - Oh, Jesus

I feel like crap all day. I have to run to the toilet from time to time and I have no idea what it could be from.

“You should call the doctor for a check up.” Inéz suggests and I slowly nod. “You are right, I might be allergic from something to than just seafood.” I mutter. I hate myself right now. I have never been allergic to anything until I moved to Seville.

Inéz hands me the phone. “Call.” She orders me. I dial the number of the doctor and after explaining to her what’s happening to me, she orders me to stop by as soon as I can.

I ask Ben to help Inéz during the kids’ naptime and head to the doctor. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Ben asked before I left. But I assured him it’s fine. They will probably tell me that I have to be careful what I eat.

Apparently my stomach is very sensitive.

I enter the doctors office and the assistant asks me to pee in a cup. I look weird at her. “Why?” I ask.
“Standard procedure.” She replies.

Like a stomach bug will be visible in my pee, I think. But I take the cup and go into the bathroom. I manage to pee in the cup a bit and hand the cup over to the assistant. “Thank you.” She says.
I snort. Shitty job she’s got. Taking pee from random people.

After fifteen minutes of waiting it’s my turn to go see the doctor. She welcomes me and tells me to sit down.
I tell her what’s wrong with me. She raises her eyebrow and looks from me to my belly.

“Did you recently have your period?” She asks.

I think out loud. “It’s been a while, but that must be because of the stress of setting up my own daycare. I can’t honestly say when the last time was.”

“Well. There is your stomach bug. Congratulations, you are pregnant.” The doctor says.

My mouth falls open. “But I am on birth control. And how can you know? You did not examine me!” I am flabbergasted.

“Your pee told us what secret is hiding inside your belly.” The Doctor smiles. But I am about to cry.

Pregnant.

Me?

Why?

Things were going just great at the moment. A kid will ruin it all. I have been careful all the time. How could it happen then?

My thoughts are running.

The doctor looks at me and sees that I am not thrilled with the news. “Accident?” She asks.
I shrug. “Not planned anyway. How can I get pregnant while I am on birth control?” I ask.

“Many reasons. Sometimes the birth control pill is not working properly. Have you been sick in the past months, throwing up or diarrhea?” She asks.

I think back. The food poisoning. That must have caused it all.

My stomach is turning around and I have to run to the toilet again. Why did this happen to me.

I can’t handle a pregnancy right now.

I empty my stomach in the toilet of the doctors office and walk back to Suerte. Inéz and Ben must be waiting for me. I look at my watch and see that I’ve been gone for over an hour.

What do I tell Ben?

What will Ben do if I tell him I’m pregnant?

I can’t do this to him, not right now.

I walk back inside and smile. “Hi there.” I paste a fake smile on my face and pretend like everything is okay.

“What did the doctor say?” Ben asks worried.

“Probably just a stomach bug, nothing to worry about.” I reply. It’s not really a lie. There is something inside me, growing and causing me to throw up.

It might as well be called a stomach bug.

I continue the day at work, pretending like nothing is wrong.

Inéz glares at me every once in a while but she doesn’t say anything. The fake smile is still pasted on my face and I play around with the kids like nothing is wrong.

I’m getting good at pretending that everything is fine.

It’s after closing time and Inéz and I clean the room. “Are you pregnant?” Inéz asks me without warning.

I stop cleaning and look at her. “Why would you think that?” My voice trembles when I ask.

“Your behavior and the morning sickness. Aren’t you happy?’ She asks. I sigh and look at my feet.
I try to choke back the tears.

“How can I be happy with a baby when everything is going so well right now. A baby would ruin everything. I can’t be sitting home with a baby when there is a business I have to run. Ben is starting a new career and everything is just settling down. If I counted correctly, I am pregnant for about 7 weeks now. Which means I will be huge by the time of the wedding. How on earth can I find a wedding dress to fit into with a belly like that.” I sit down on the couch and start crying.

“I did not ask for a baby and yet it happened.” I cry.

Inéz kneels in front of me. “Life happens the way that it should. You can’t predict for things to happen. You should talk with Ben about it. You can’t keep this a secret from Ben.” She says.

I shrug. “If I get rid of it, no one will know but me.”

I never thought about abortion until now.

It’s the best option. We are too young. We aren’t married and we are definitely not ready for a baby yet.

‘But Ben is great with kids. He loves kids.’ A voice in my head keeps chanting but I ignore it.

“Abortion will be the best solution. We can think about kids in two years. When things finally settle down for us.” I softly say.

Inéz looks up angry.

“I would completely understand your decision for abortion, if you didn’t have a home, or a lovely man. If you got pregnant after being raped or just from a one night stand. But everything is going well. Why would you want to hide it. Why do you want to take away the chance to give birth to new life when it happens to you?” Her voice is trembling and I look at her.

A tear is rolling down her cheek. “Some people would give everything to get pregnant and you’ve got everything to make it happen. Some girls would trade their lives with you right now. Girls like me, for example.” She whispers.

“Are you? Did you? What happened?” I stammer.

I hold Inéz’ hand and let her tell her story. It turns out she won’t be able to have children. She and her boyfriend were trying for two years before she went to the doctor. She turned out to be infertile. “And that’s when Rodrigo began to belittle me.” She shrugs. “He hates me for not being able to give him the kids he always wanted. And I can’t make him see that I can’t help it and that I am sad about it too.”

Now I know why I had a bad feeling about Rodrigo.

Chapter 51 - So Long As I Can Inspire

The weekend passes by in a blink and it’s Sunday before I know it. We said goodbye to David yesterday and he promises to be back in fall, together with his wife, Joanne.
I couldn’t help but crying a little when he left. He did so much for us the past weeks and I really started to like him. I had to make him promise to call us soon.

Tomorrow will be the first day that Suerte opens its’ doors. I go to bed early, I need to be in shape the next day. Ten kids will need all my attention for most of the day. Inéz will be there at seven in the morning and we will open our doors at eight.

I kiss Ben goodnight and crawl under the covers.

The alarm clock rings, it's 6:15. I yawn and quietly swing my legs out of the bed. It's D-day today.
I quickly brush my teeth, get dressed and make some coffee for Inèz and me. My hands are shaking by the time the clock strikes eight. The day finally started.

Parents and children are filling the room. Inèz and I run back and forth to sooth crying kids and talk to parents. Nine out of ten kids have arrived and we get everything ready to have a short break with the oldest kids. The babies are relaxing in their cradles.
Inèz takes care of the youngest kids while I take the oldest ones outside to play in the garden.
Ben peeks around the corner and waves at the kids and me.
I introduce Ben to the kids and tell them he loves to play soccer. Ben grins and jumps over the fence. "I'm the soccer king" he laughs. The three five year old boys are immediately drawn to Ben. Rico, the oldest of the three, grabs a ball and kicks it towards Ben. "Play?" he asks in his best English. Ben nods and runs after the ball with three little boys close behind him.

I enjoy myself reading books to two little girls in the hammock while keeping an eye on two little two year old siblings who play in the sandbox.
"Bénito, no!" I shout when the little boy tries to take a bite of the sand.

Ben and the boys are done playing their soccer game and return back to me. Ben is all sweaty and the boys' faces are red. "I'm going to take a shower." Ben gives me a quick kiss before heading back inside. I smile. This is going better than I expected.

The kids are getting whiny and hungry so we head back inside for lunch and nap time.
The daycare is silent when most of the kids are asleep. Inèz and I both hold a baby on our lap and we quietly talk together.

The day ends quicker than expected. Inèz and I clean up and lock the doors. Inèz heads home and I move myself towards the good smell that's coming from the kitchen.

The table is set. Ben is sitting on the counter waiting for the oven dish to be done. I sniff. "That smells good Mr. Graupner." I give him a kiss and sit down at the kitchen table.

"How was your day?" He asks while jumping off of the counter to check on his dish. "It went better than expected. The kids are angels and even the oldest boys took a little nap after your soccer game." I smile.

"Good to hear. I had fun." Ben says.

"Dinner is ready." He bends and grabs the dish out of the oven. "Wow, Ben. You’ve really outdone yourself." I grin and look at the stuffed bell peppers. "Erica gave me the recipe. And it looks better than the fake paella." He laughs.

It was the best dinner anyone ever made for me. I ate more than I should have and my belly is hurting a little. We clean the kitchen and have a nice, relaxing evening together.

The days pass by quickly. The daycare is running great from the start and Inèz and I are like a machine together.
Ben regularly takes the oldest boys out for a soccer match or playing in the tree house.

The boys really adore Ben and I can see he's enjoying himself.
Little radars are running in my head. Ben has not found a job yet. What if I can get him take classes to become a teacher. He can teach the oldest kids to play music instruments and take them out on adventures. We can have more kids if Ben would be an extra pair of hands around.

I need to discuss this with him.

I finally find some time to talk about it. He frowns when I tell him about my plan. "I don't know Lynn. I like playing around with the kids and all. But I don't know if I can do it all day." He rubs his forehead.
"But I do like the thought about teaching kids music." He continues. "Maybe I can do something with that." Ben says thoughtfully. I smile. "I think you would do great and you don't have to focus on kids. You can teach anyone to play instruments." I stroke his cheek. "I need to look at all the options I think." He says.

His eyes are twinkling and a smile spreads across my face. “That would be so great if you could do that.” I jump up from my chair to hug him. “You are going to have a great time.” I kiss him a few times and he pulls me onto his lap. “I am sure I will. Thank you for having great thoughts.” He softly kisses my lips.

“Want to go out tomorrow?” Ben asks in between our kissing. “I would love to.” I reply breathless.

The last day at work this week goes by quickly and Ben and I get ready to head to town. I made a reservation at a simple but fancy restaurant in the middle of the center. I promised Ben to drive so he could drink.

The restaurant looks nice but it doesn’t have the authentic Spanish atmosphere as I had hoped it would have. It’s more of a tourist bar. The paella looks the same as how Ben made it, so I play on the safe side and order a steak.

Six weeks later

Everything has settled down at Ventura. The daycare is running and Ben is taking classes to learn how to give music lessons to kids. We found some parents who want their kids to learn how to play the guitar. Ben already has students signed up and he hasn’t even started yet. The future is looking bright.
Ben is working his ass off to get everything done around the music lessons. He wants to start sooner than later.

Spring has fully entered Seville and the days are getting longer and warm. It’s mid April and the olive trees are blooming. We spend most of our days outside, in the shadow of the trees.

But I, I feel like crap.

It’s like I’ve got food poisoning all over again. I thought back about the past days of throwing up.
It hasn’t been so bad as it was when I ate the bad paella, but it’s close to it. Throwing up nearly once a day and waking up with a sore stomach.

But I did not eat any seafood.

I don’t have time to worry about it a lot. The kids are pretty demanding and Ben needs his attention too when I get home from work.

Sometimes I wish I had some alone time.

It’s Friday and the sun is shining. I should be a happy girl, but I feel bad. Very bad. I open my eyes and the world is spinning already. I glare at the clock and it’s not even time to get up.

I have to run and I reach the toilet just in time.

Stomach bug.

Again.