I look in the mirror, my lip is swollen, my eye is nearly black and my nose is twice the size as it should be.
The blood dried and I look like shit. I gently wash my face and I start to look a little bit better, but the blue and red will not go away.
The bathroom door is locked, and I am tempted to stay in here for the rest of my life, I feel safe in here.
I sit down on the floor, with my back against the wall. Grabbing my phone, to write a text to Lea. “Honey, are you still with Sara?”
I get a reply back within a minute. “Yes I am, Ben is here too, he was wondering where you went.”
“Rick needed me, so I am home now. But I have a bad migraine all of a sudden, so I won’t be coming back.” I reply
“See you soon then honey, take care, and Ben asked me to say hi.”
“Thank you, see ya soon. Love to Sara and hi back to Ben.”
I stuff away my phone in my pocket. And stay there on the floor. My thoughts taking over. Part of me wants to close the door behind me, walk away from Rick, and start a new life somewhere else.
But I can’t. He was pretty clear with his threat towards Ben. I need to lay low, till Ben moves on with his trip, so he’ll be safe.
Three days later
I ignored the calls and the texts of Sara and Lea, and the messages they passed on Ben’s behalf.
I called in sick from work, I don’t want anyone to ask questions about the bruises in my face. They believed me when I told them I had a bad migraine.
I wander around the house, bored and on the verge of crying all the time when suddenly the doorbell rings.
I am startled and head to the door, open it just a little and I gasp when I see the most amazing green eyes staring at me. “Hi there miss, permission to come in?” Ben asks. I shake my head. “No, I am home sick, and I was just about to go back to bed.” I am surprised how easy the lies leave my mouth lately.
“Shall I make you some food? Or something to drink? I just wanted to check if everything is okay” he continues
“I’m fine, maybe I see you later this week at the Funky Monkey.” I try to close the door, but he shoves his foot between the crack. “I am leaving tomorrow evening, and I wanted to say goodbye. I feel sad that I did not get to spend much time with you.” He confesses.
My mouth falls open and I let go of the door. “You’re sad?” I ask. Ben steps inside and looks at my face.
“That doesn’t look like a migraine to me.” he mutters. I look at my feet. ‘Slipped in the shower.” I hesitate a second and Ben’s eyes narrow.
“Are you sure?” He asks while looking in my eyes, he looks worried and I bit my lip. My legs are trembling, I am tempted to jump in his arms and run away to nowhere with this guy.
Could he be the one to save me from this mess?
“You need to go.” I start to push him towards the door. “Just go on your trip, have a great time and be safe.” I am still pushing him but he doesn’t give in. “And you’ll be safe, if you just leave.” I continue.
Ben turns back to me. “Will you stop pushing me? I am not going anywhere.” he grumbles. “You have to, Rick is coming home soon, and he can’t see you here.” Ben notices the fear in my eyes and knows that I am serious. “I’ll come back for you tomorrow, noon. Be ready.” He hugs me tightly before leaving the house quickly.
I lean against the door.
Please God, let Rick come home sober, I can’t take this. Please dear God.
Rick comes home, not even fifteen minutes after Ben left. “Good afternoon sunshine.” He smiles, while giving me a quick kiss on the lips. “Good to see you are feeling better today.”
I past a smile on my face and hug him. “Shall I make you some dinner love? I can make you some Spaghetti, if you like.” Rick nods in agreement. “Sounds great, I got some red wine with that.” He pulls out a bottle of expensive red wine and hands it over. “For you, because I love you so much.” he smiles.
Everything inside me screams. “LIAR” but I manage to keep on smiling. “I love you too.”
Lies, all lies.
We have dinner together, and I have to admit that the wine tastes good, and we laugh a lot, and I feel quite okay with Rick today, but I still haven’t forgot three days ago.
It must have scared him too, because he hadn’t used cocaine since that day, but I am sure, as soon as it’s Friday, it’s all gonna be the same.
It was like that too before he quit the cocaine the first time.
Being smacked around the house nearly once a week, until I threatened to leave him.
He changed, and we had amazing months and I really loved that man.
Loved, yes. Past tense.
I don’t think I can love him anymore.
My head starts to form a plan. Do I dare?
Do I dare to ask Ben if he’d be okay for me to join him on his trip, at least to the next destination. Till I found a place to stay.
I got money, and if not enough of my own, I know where to find Rick’s back up piggy bank.
“Honey, I’m going to bed, my head is exploding.” I kiss Rick softly on his lips. I’ll stay home one more day tomorrow, and head back to work on Thursday.” I tell him. Knowing these are lies too.
I never told so many lies than in this week.
I slip into my pajamas and my head is spinning. I need to pack the most important things in my backpack. Only things I really need. Passport and clothes. That’s all.
What if Ben doesn’t want me to tag along?
Details are for suckers right? I grin at the thought. It’s been so long since I had that thought in my head. I stare at the ceiling. If he says no, I can always go alone to somewhere.
The world is gonna be mine, no matter what.
I fall in a restless sleep, I don’t even hear Rick come in.
I wake up from Rick’s alarm clock early in the morning. I yawn and stretch. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I think to myself.
Rick leans in for a kiss. “Take care.” He says before leaving the bedroom. “Have a good day at work honey, see you tonight.” I smile faintly.
He leaves and I am alone with my thought. I look out the window and see him leave. I’ve got 4 more hours till Ben will be here.
I take a shower, find my old backpack in the back of the closet and I cry when I see it. It’s my past backpack. Full of pins, 100 Monkeys, Spencer Bell. My history.
I slip into my jeans, and throw extra jeans and my sweatpants in the backpack and a few shirts.
I tie my sweater on my waist and slip into my sneakers.
I’m ready to go. I look at the clock and see that it’s 11 in the morning. Only a hour before Ben arrives.
I open the drawer where Rick keeps his saving money, I smash the stone piggy bank.
How stupid of you to keep your money here, I think.
I count the money and grab a total of 2700 Euro to take with me. I never knew he had that much money.
I call the bank and block all the bills. I don’t care how Rick will pay everything now. I take off my engagement ring and place it on Rick’s pillow on the bed. I bet he’d get the point.
A soft knock on the door makes the butterflies flutter through my stomach. It’s now or never.
I open the door and like he promised, he’s standing there.
“Here I am” he said.
“Here you are.” I reply sheepishly.
“Care to go for a walk?” He asks.
“I want to ask you a favor. Where are you going to next?” I ask.
“Barcelona, Seville and Madrid.” He replies.
“Sounds lovely. I’ve got money, can I join you on your trip to Spain? I will see from there where I will go, but I want to go away, far away from here.” I ramble in one breath.
Bens’ eyes are locked in mine, and it’s hard to see what he thinks.
Please.
Say yes.
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