He looks me in the eye. “Hello there.” he says with that famous smile I know all too well. “Hi” I whisper softly, not daring to really look at him.
“How are you?” he asks. I shuffle my feet around a bit. “Fine.” I mumble. “Would you like to sit down?” he asks.
I grab a chair and sit down, still not looking at him. His hand brushes my face. ‘Are you hurt?” He asks, I hear the worry in his voice. I finally look at him and again I have to resist the urge not to run out and hide in my bed.
Dreams are for losers.
But I manage to stay. “Bumped into the door.” I repeat my lie quickly. “I’m okay now. It’s just a bit bruised.”
“Lynn, what’s wrong?” Ben asks. My eyes are locked in his. “What do you mean?” I ask.
“You are not like I remember you. When I thought of you, I always thought about a chatty, funny, always laughing girl. Not afraid to say what she thinks. A wildflower.” He replies.
I shrug. “I grew up, I behave like an adult should behave.” I reply with the things Rick told me.
“Do you really think adults should act shy? Quiet? Normal? Boring?” Ben asks.
“You think I’m boring? Why did you want to meet me in the first place?” I stand up quickly and slide my chair backwards, ready to run out. But he’s quicker and grabs my left wrist.
The next thing happens quickly and like a reflex, I swing my right arm backwards, and to the front again and hit him in the face. “Don’t EVER grab me like that AGAIN. You understand me! NEVER” I say with clenched teeth. I pull my arm out of his hand and ran out of the shop.
Two blocks away I finally stop, pressing my hand in my side and trying to regain my breath.
Wow, talking about overreacting much.
Can I slap myself?
Can I open the earth and fall in?
Can I disappear forever?
Do I have to go back? Can I show him the hidden me, underneath my boring, quiet and shy mask?
I need to be strong and fight my fears. He WAS there, he IS real, and he wanted to talk to me.
I turn around and start walking back to the Funky Monkey. I don’t pay attention and I bump into someone.
“Well, we should stop meeting like this.” I hear Ben’s voice and I blush again.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“Hi.” he replies. “Good that I found you, care to join me for a walk?” He asks. I nod, “I think we need to talk.”
We slowly walk past the canals and I talk and talk and talk. About my change, about Rick, about our engagement and how I miss my monkey junkie time sometimes.
We sit down on the walls at one of the canals, with our feet above the water, I lean backwards with my back against a tree and sigh.
“Ben, you might think I am weird, and not fun and boring, but I am not, I don’t even recognize myself.” I shrug.
It’s the end of our conversation and we both stare at the water. Two ducks are chasing each other, and I see some fish swimming in the dirty canal water.
“You know, I really missed it when you stopped sending cards and letters and the presents. I kept all the things you sent me. They were so full of happiness, they made me smile when I looked at them. I still have this one too.”
He reaches into the collar of his shirt and pulls out a silver necklace. I giggle. “Are you serious, you kept the unicorn necklace? But that was just a joke!” I nudge him.
“I know, and that’s why I loved it so much, I wear it practically all the time.” He smiles.
“Why did you stop working in childcare?” Ben asks. “Because Rick told me to. That it made me childish, and I’d make more money in assurance.” I reply.
“You like your job?” he asks, I shake my head frantically, “Not at all, the colleagues are nice though, but I am not made for office work.”
“Why don’t you go back into child care then?”
Yeah, that’s the thing I’ve been asking myself for a few months now too.
My phone rings, It’s a text from Rick. “Lynn, where the fuck are you?”
“I was at the Funky Monkey, I’ll be home soon.” I reply quickly, while getting up.
“Got to go.” I mumble quickly to Ben, before running to the Funky Monkey to pick up my bike.
“Lynn, wait!, can we meet again?” He shouts at a quickly disappearing me. “ASK LEA.” I shout back before rushing back home.
I hope Rick is okay.
I open the door and the smell of marijuana greets me. I have asked him so many times, not to smoke inside the house. “Oh look, the whore is back.”
It’s one of Rick’s friends, Pete, “You whore” Rick slaps my face. “You WHORE, did you really think I wouldn’t find out that you are hanging out with other guys.” he snarls and hits me again.
“I was, I was just.. I just.” I stammer.
“Shut your filthy mouth, NO-ONE cheats on me! NO-ONE. You are MY whore, no one else’s.”
“Don’t call me that!” I get angry and I place my hands on my hips. Ben brought back a little faith in myself and I look at Rick. “I am not the one sleeping around, I am not the one kicking my girlfriend out of the house to have sex with some slut, and I am CERTAINLY not the whore you think I am.”
I am furious and I am not afraid at all at this moment.
Rick’s eyes are black of anger, and probably not only anger either.
“I’m leaving you Rick, I am going away, and you will never see me back again. I’ll come back to pick up my stuff when you are sober.”
I want to turn around and walk away, but a sudden sharp pain in my head decides different. Rick grabs my hair and shakes my head.
“Don’t be stupid, you can’t leave me.”
“Let me go.” I beg but I am still shaking with anger. Especially by the thought that Rick’s friends are just sitting there and letting it happen.
I kick backwards, trying to reach his shin. “Let me go Rick, Let me go, enough is enough.” I yell
But he is still pulling my hair and slowly pulling me backwards to the couch. “Rick, this isn’t you, RICK STOP IT.” I am nearly crying now.
Rick isn’t listening and I should have known, it’s the cocaine doing this to him, the cocaine turns him into an evil monster. Or maybe this is his true self. I don’t know, but I need to get out.
He throws me on the couch, with such a speed, that I fall off and hit my face on the coffee table. My cheek burns, my head hurts, and my nose is pounding.
I feel wet on my chin and try to wipe it away.
Blood, blood on my fingers.
My nose is bleeding but it doesn’t scare Rick, I’m on my back on the floor. Rick crawls on top of me, holding my hands above my head.
“You whore, you are not leaving me for another man. You belong to me.”
“I don’t belong to anyone!” I try to kick him, hit him, bite him, but he’s too strong. He is on top of me, pinning me to the floor.
“Get off of me, LET ME GO.” I shout and try to work myself from underneath him, but I can’t.
“You stay here, you hear me! You stay with me. My whore is not hooking up with some disgusting American dude.” He spits.
I stop struggling and look at him, eyes wide open. “What?” I ask. “You heard me! You are mine, not for some fake American boyband guy. If I ever find out you are seeing him again, I‘ll kill him.”
I am shocked. How did he find out about Ben? I am scared, I know what Rick is capable of. But Ben and Lea and Sara obviously do not.
I lie completely still, silent tears running down my cheek. “I will stay with you Rick, I promise. I am yours, for ever.” I whisper.
I know it’s a lie, but I cannot let Rick hurt any of my friends.
“I love you Rick” I mumble.
He finally lets go of me and helps me onto my feet. “Go clean yourself, you look like shit.” He pushes me towards the stairs, and I stumble upstairs as fast as I can.
I am scared, sad, and on the verge of a breakdown.
Can I go to bed and never wake up? What happened? We were so happy, till he started to use cocaine again.
This is not the Rick I want to marry.
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