Chapter 3 - Tourist

“You know me?” He asks confused, while looking at me. “Wait, wait a second, you are Lynn, right?” he asks.

Now it’s my turn to be confused. “You remember me?” I whisper. Ben nods. “Of course I do. How could I forget you. You were one of our most devoted fans. What ever happened to you? You were gone all of a sudden. Was that because of Jackson leaving the band?” Ben asks.

I shake my head frantically. “Oh no, I did not, I grew up, found love and had to leave my band past behind me.” I explain.
“Why?” Ben asks. I shrug. “Because being a fan girl, is only for teenagers.” I reply softly.

“But I’ve got to go, I promised to meet my friend at 8, and that was over twenty minutes ago.”

I start to walk away, my head is foggy, and I don’t dare to think about this. This can’t be true.

“Wait, Lynn, can I see you again?” Ben asks..

I shake my head and quicken my step. I see Café Rain in the distance, and I quicken my step even more.

This is not happening.

This is not happening

This is not happening

I repeat it every few steps till I am at the café. I hastily push open the door and almost run inside. “Lynn!” I hear Lea’s voice, I look at the direction it comes from and wave faintly.

“Hi girl, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She says while stroking the hair from my face.

I breath quickly in and out. “I think I just did, I think I saw a ghost from my past, I think I just met Ben Graupner.”
Lea looks at me. “Who?” she asks. “Ben Graupner, of 100 Monkeys.” I say. “But of course you don’t know them, they are a part of my past life. My before Rick life.” I sigh.

I met Lea through Rick. Lea and Rick are long time friends, since kindergarten. But we have never been close enough to tell her about my obsession.

“Well, I used to be in love with a guy from a band, an American band called 100 Monkeys. They’ve been to Europe a few times and I got to meet them. I fell in love with Ben.
But then I met Rick, and he made me see, that loving a guy in a band, makes no sense, and he told me to grow up. Which I did, and now, when I am going to marry Rick,  and everything is settled. I bump into Ben, in the streets of AMSTERDAM.” I shout the last part.

“How can he do this to me?” I ask.

Lea looks worried. “Like he did it on purpose” She replies. “I bet he’s here with his band, and you just don’t know that they are touring again.”

I shake my head. “No, can’t be, they broke up a short while ago, and he went into theater productions. No such thing that he will be here with the band. Maybe it was just my imagination, and wasn’t it even true at all” I continue. Still shaking my head.

“What does he look like?” Lea asks.

“Green eyes, brown hair, tall, very tall, kissable lips….”

“And big feet in sneakers?” Lea continues, I look at her and nod slowly.

“Seems like he was not in your imagination, dayum, he’s gorgeous.” she continues while looking behind me. I follow her stare, and there he is. The Ben I remember from my dreams.

He looks around and I let myself slide off my chair. “Watcha doing dude?” Lea asks. “Hiding.” I reply simply. Lea chuckles. “Get real and sit down.”

My face must be bright red by now, I feel so weird. The guy from my past, who I hid away for months now, standing in front of me…. For real.

I see bright blue sneakers appearing next to me on the floor. “Lynn, are you okay?” I hear Ben’s deep voice asking me. “Lost my contact” I mumble before crawling on the floor like a madwoman.

“You’re not wearing contacts.” Lea giggles.

I sit up straight, my head barely above the little table we’re sitting at. Ben’s hand is waving in front of me I awkwardly grab it and he raises me up from the floor.

“Hi” He smiles his wide gorgeous smile.
Now I am certain that my face is bright red. “Hi.” I whisper while trying to do my best not to run away.

“Sit down dude” Lea demands.

Ben sits down and I do the same, I can’t keep my eyes off of him. “What are you doing here?” I ask

“Been on a backpacking trip through Europe, I arrived yesterday, and I will stay till next week.“ He replies quickly in one breath.

I smile faintly. “That’s nice” I don’t know what else to say. I have to resist the urge to kiss him, and I stare at his mouth. He’s still talking and laughing, but I hardly hear what he says.

Why did I try to forget this guy in the first place?

Oh yeah, Rick. My fiance, my love, the father of my future kids.

“Lynn?” Lea asks. I look up. “What?”

“Are you okay?” she asks. I nod, “Yes, yes I am, I think I need fresh air.” I lift myself up off the chair and stumble outside. “I need a smoke.” I mumble.

I lean against the wall and light a cigarette, I breath in deep, the smoke calms me and I manage to sort my thoughts. I still can’t believe it. Ben, here in Amsterdam.
How I had longed to see him again.

I slide down the wall and sit on the sidewalk. I finish my cigarette and light another one, I don’t feel like going in, I want to run away.

I grab my phone and send a text to Lea. “Went home, long story, tell you later.”

Strolling through Amsterdam for what seems like hours, my feet are hurting, my legs are sore, but my head feels incredibly clear.  I know what to do, I just have to go home, to Rick and deny this all happened.

At home, I take a long hot shower, wash away the illusion that’s named Benjamin Graupner.

Rick is not home yet and I send him a text. “I’m home, but exhausted so going to bed. See you when you come home, Have fun and I love you.”

I wait a while for a reply back, but when it doesn’t come, I turn on my side and fall in a deep restless sleep.
“WAKE UP.” I feel a nudge against my side.
“What time is it?” I mumble and look at Rick. “Who cares, get out!” His eyes are dark. My heart is pounding and the blood rushes to my cheeks. “Did you use drugs again?” I ask with a soft voice, I have to resist the urge not to run away, that will piss him off even more. “Get out.” he says again while pulling my arm. “Why?” I ask, but I quickly crawl out of the bed. “Because I need the bed. Get out.” He pushes me towards the door.

“Rick, please.” I beg, but it seems to make him more angry. “Rick, don’t…..” my voice breaks and I turn around when I see his clenched fist approaching me, too late and my head whips back wards against the wall. I have never seen him like this before. ‘Rick, let me go, I’ll go out, I did not do anything.” I beg. His grabs a fist full of hair and drags me out of the room. “Get out I said.” while grinding his teeth.

He nearly throws me down the stairs but I manage to grab the railing. Rick walks back to the room and shuts the door. I stumble down the stairs, not knowing what to do. I promised myself, that I would run away, as soon as he hit me again. I touch the back of my head, there is a big bump, but I am not bleeding.

The doorbell rings, the hairs on my neck are standing straight up. It’s 3am, who’s ringing the doorbell?
Rick runs down the stairs, not looking at me at all. There is a blonde, very skinny, half naked girl coming in, following Rick up the stairs. They both avoid looking at me.

My mouth falls open, “Rick?” I ask, but he is still ignoring me, and nearly drags the girl to our bedroom.

OUR bedroom.

The place where the fun things happened. When he was not on drugs.

I feel like I’m back to last year, when things went out of hand because of his drug use.

But he never cheated on me. As far as I know.

I hear the girl giggle and I feel nauseous.

I have to get out. I grab my bag, shoes and keys and I open the door to leave, still wearing my pajamas. But I couldn’t care less right now. Time for a smoke. I light another cigarette and start walking towards the Wester Market, I sit down on a bench near the Wester Tower and start crying. I pull my knees up to my chest, lean my head on my knees and rock back and forth.

The sun is rising, and I look at my phone, it’s 6am, I have been sitting here for hours.
I wonder if it’s safe to go home yet.