I close my eyes and wait for the pain to happen, within seconds I feel him roughly inside me and it feels like I’m on fire.
When he’s finally done, he grabs his stuff and rushes out of the house, I throw away the burned food before heading to the shower. The water is almost too hot, but I need this to clear the fog out of my head.
It’s been six months since he last used cocaine, and even longer since the last time he smacked me. I grin, no guy should ever smack someone, but he promised me to change, that’s why I stayed.
Shall I pack my things and leave?
But where can I go to? Maybe this was just an incident? Maybe it will not happen again? If it ever happens again, I can always leave him, right? But I still love him, I really do.
Do I?
I do!
I close the faucets and grab one of my pink fluffy towels, I wrap it around me and step out of the bathroom, leaving wet footmarks on the floor.
I let myself fall on the bed. And turn on the laptop. I might as well do some work now the food is ruined and Rick is still gone.
I sift through my play list till I find the song I felt like hearing right now. Spencer Bell’s “Better man“, The song that I always listened to when Rick used to lose his head.
“I cannot begin to understand why you’re not waking up to a better man than me”
I still know the words after all this time. I imagined Rick singing this to me, every time he did something stupid like he did today. But of course he did not, he doesn’t want to hear about anything 100 Monkeys related.
The song made me feel a tad better and I close the laptop again, I am pretty tempted to go online and check out some of my old friends. But I resist the urge to do that and dress myself. I need to look good for Rick when he finally decides to come home.
I slip into my nicest dress, comb my hair and apply some make up. I go back to the kitchen and see what’s left in the cupboard to make a quick easy dinner for Rick and me.
My cell phone is ringing. “Honey, where are you?”
“I am in the pub, I just called to say I’m sorry. I should not have done that.” Rick replies.
I melt when I hear his soft sincere voice. “It’s okay baby, I should not have done what I did.” I reply. “Now, come home, I am making dinner.”
“I already ate,” he replies. “But I’ll be home soon” he assures me.
I blow a kiss into the phone and place it back down on the counter and make a quick and easy salad, with some leftovers I found in the fridge.
The front door opens not even fifteen minutes after I finished eating, and I feel my muscles tense.
“Glad you’re back” I say with a faint smile. “Are you okay?” I ask him. Rick shrugs. “As good as I can be.” he replies.
I look at him and see his jaw moving. He’s grinding his teeth. “Want a gum?” I ask. Rick shakes his head. “Nah, I am just going to take a shower.” he replies, and walks out of the room.
I sit down on the couch, pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them and rest my chin on my knees.
I can’t believe it, that I am madly in love with a masochist. Me, the one who always told people to get the hell out of a house when living together with a man that loves to smack his woman around.
But Rick, he’s different, he’s really sorry, and he’s only doing it when he uses drugs, and he did not do that for a while.
I really do believe he changed. AND we’re getting married, so all the good reasons to stay.
He loves me for who I am, right?
The door slams and I pull my legs up higher against my chest.
“That was nice” Rick grins. “Did you miss me?” he asks. I nod, still holding my legs against my chest. ‘I did.”
“I should not ask him where he went” I tell myself quietly. “Sorry about earlier” I mumble and look at him.
“That’s okay Lynn, you just forgot. Sorry I had to smack you” he replies.
“Kiss me” I demand softly.
He leans in for a kiss and his tongue finds his way inside my mouth. I let go of my legs and wrap my arms around his neck to pull him closer.
Rick pulls me up from the couch and lifts me gently to the bedroom, places me gently on the bed and crawls on top of me.
“This is the way it was, and the way it will always be.” I think to myself.
The next morning I feel all bruised and sore, but I have to get out and go to work. Rick is snoring and I quietly leave the bed and get dressed.
I take a little detour to the coffee corner. “Lynn! Hi!, same as always?” Lea asks me from behind the counter. “Hi Lea, yes please” I reply. We chat for a while as she is finishing my caramel macchiato.
“Good to see you Lynn, I was looking for a victim to go out with tonight. Care to join?” she asks me. I smile. “Sure thing, it’s been too long.” I reply.
She hands me my coffee. “This one’s on me” she laughs, “Café Rain, 8pm” Lea demands. I nod, “Sounds like a good idea to me.”
I turn around on my heels and head to the door. “Don’t forget the Skittles” Lea giggles behind me. I turn around, raise my thumb and stick out my tongue. “What ever you say ma’am” I say while tipping my imaginary hat.
The day at work goes by quickly, now I have something to look forward to.
I rush home, take a shower and tell Rick about my plans. “Have fun, I’ll be out too. Don’t do things I wouldn’t do either.” he smiles.
I plant a kiss on his nose. “Please, stay sober.” I beg him. He nods slowly and I rush out of the house towards Rembrandt Square.
I look at my watch and see that I am already ten minutes late, I rush around the corner and hit my shoulder against someone. “Sorry bout that” I mumble while continuing my way.
“HEY, Come back” he shouts. But I am in such a hurry, that I don’t hear him and continue on my way.
I hear the footsteps behind me when it’s too late. A hand grabs my arm and I twirl around. My heart is pounding in my ears, that was unexpected.
“You lost your phone.” The guy softly says while holding my phone in his hand. I look at it.
“Yup, that’s mine.” I reply sheepishly.
“Are you in a hurry?” the guy asks. Something about his voice sounds familiar.
“Yes, sir, I am.” I reply, still looking at my phone. I reach out and grab it before I look up, and look into the most gorgeous green eyes.
Green eyes that I remember from the past.
Green eyes that belong to a guy, that I never expected to see here, in my town, in my Amsterdam, holding my phone.
Green eyes that I know all so well.
I stare at him with open mouth.
“Ben……” I stammer.
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